Kehfree Burpas Only!!

42 days and counting

2009-07-25T23:52:00.000-07:00

Thought I’d share few lessons that I am learning from the journey that is life and more specifically through this period of transition. I have 43 more days of living life as it is right now. I have 43 more days of being single, working at Children’s Cup in Swaziland, leading worship at HPC, etc…

It’s interesting what things you learn as your mind begins the process of detaching from where you are. I am learning so much about the Lord, my amazing Lue, family, friends, the people I work with, and, of course, myself! One of the first things I learned is that I can’t give 100% of myself to everyone and everything; I’m learning what/who it is that I need to give myself to 100%, doing that and not fretting about the rest… I work full time during the week from 8 to 5 pm. I also am the worship leader at church and responsible for the 3 worship services we have each work. I have family, friends, the world’s most amazing man in my life, and, most importantly, the Lord Jesus! I only have 24 hours in each day, one mouth, two ears, two hands, two legs, etc. Before this year, my usual way of doing things was to pour all of myself into every possible thing, stretch myself to the point of snapping, snap, get sick, have an emotional breakdown, recover, get up and do the same thing. I don’t think I am alone in this crazy process! J This year, though, God has graciously walked with me so that we are now together on the journey to learning how to rest and truly live life to the fullest. I thought I loved being busy and getting 10 things accomplished at one time. I thought I liked having no space to breathe as I frantically moved from one thing to the next in my day. I thought I like running around like a chicken with my head cut off!!! I really thought I did…until I realised there are things that are so much better…

Things like waking up in the morning and laying in bed for an hour before waking up to have my quiet time, just chilling and enjoying the beautiful morning He designed just for me…things like doing one thing and doing it well and when I’m done be able to lay down, not in utter exhaustion and almost having forgotten why it was I worked so hard, but rather laying down fully satisfied and fully aware of what I did, why I did it, and why He’s smiling with me about it…Things like saying no to people or events or tasks, realising I am not God’s solution to every problem, I am not responsible for every task, I can say no, I’m allowed to say no, not out of being stupid or unhelpful, but out of the freedom of knowing what is my responsibility and what is not…Things like watching the stars or taking a walk just for the sake of it…Things like having moments even days where there is not one thing I HAVE to do… Things like learning how to bake bread (still in the process!J)… Things like actually writing that note or email or making that phone call or going on that coffee date…Things like looking at the clouds as you drive/walk down the road, fully aware that the beautiful colours are JUST FOR YOU….Things like laughing until it hurts, yes, laughing… Things like listening to the man of your real life share his heart and realising more and more how awesome and good God is…. Things like late nights with the siblings just because you can!!! J… Things like spending a day with a friend and truly enjoying their presence… Things like realising how much I am loved and how much love I have to give…

The only constant...

2009-07-14T00:04:00.001-07:00

...is Christ! On a day like today, when neither makes sense nor feels right to 'continue', the only thing that 'makes sense' is Him, He truly is my sanity today, right now, and I am thankful. I could write lines and lines about the suckiness, I already have :-), so not I am writing lines and lines about Him, His goodness, His faithfulness, His promises. He is good, He is here, He is just and merciful and kind and gracious...and so as this day sucks right now and might continue to suck, I choose to be 'an imitator of God as a dearly beloved child'...I am loved, I am a child, I will choose to be like my AWESOME DAD...

57 days...

2009-07-10T14:26:00.000-07:00

“My love for you is teaching me not to seek ideal circumstances so that I can love you, but TO LOVE YOU IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES! “

I was reading through the notes Lue has written me(one of my favourite things is that he writes me notes, emails, letters…LONG ONES!! J) and I read what I just quoted above. I love writing stuff down because you can always go back to it, and EACH TIME you do, you see SOEMTHING NEW! It’s not because I wasn’t there the first time, you just didn’t see it. I love reading Lue’s notes and emails love and over and over again and seeing new things- things he said that I just may not have heard before. And as I read the lone above, my heart danced, a dance of joy and freedom. Joy, because I know that I am loved and freedom because I know that I am ALWAYS loved!!!

My first love is Jesus- have always been and will always be Jesus! The thing’s that are most important to me always bring me back to His feet. My relationship with Lue, the most important things in my life right now, is a constanct ‘example’ and ‘teacher’ concerning my relationship with Jesus. For one, the concept of re-reading notes and emails- there was a time when I was like ‘I did Old Testament and New Testament survey. I’ve done so many Bible Studies, I’ve read it all, I’m done!’ Of course, I was highly mistaken, and , years later, I open a Scripture I have read over and over and find something new, something that was there before I just didn’t see it…and once again, I fall in love with my first love…and then there’s unconditional love- again, I grew up receiving and giving conditional love. The past 10 months, I have experienced the challenge of giving and receiving unconditional love. I have learned (and am still learning) the selflessness required to give it and the trust needed to receive it…

Happiness…I love Jesus…I love Lue!!! J

In 63 days...

2009-07-04T05:04:00.000-07:00

I get to marry this man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)
http://www.lungilencube.blogspot.com/

So long overdue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-03T06:37:00.000-07:00

It's definitely been way to long!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't even realize it's been this long. It's been hectic for sure...between Mission of Mercy and Church stuff, I have barely had enough time to sleep!!!! :-) It's been awesome, though, in so many ways!!!...

I have learned a lot from this busy season...I have learned that I love Lungile Ncube with all my heart. He's not perfect and neither am I, but I would choose no one else to spend the rest of my life with and I am so ready to be his wife. Not just because we get to have a wedding and do fun stuff, but because he has become my best friend and being without him is just not an option. He has me...all of me, and I love it!!!...

....I have learned that Jesus Christ is absolutley crazy about me, and I have got to get that around my head. Ephesians 3- I want to grasp the fullnes of His love. I keep gettting glimpses, little showers, I want it all!!!! I never want to be too busy for Him. He really is all that matters, everything else, even the most amazing man, Lu, is just a bonus...Jesus, take me once again! I am Yours!!!

4 months...17 weeks... 135 days...

2009-05-04T08:17:00.000-07:00

I remember a long time ago, well more like 10 or so years back J. I remember hearing about these people who did great things for God. I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, I want God to use me like that!” I said that without realizing what is required of those whom God will use mightily-faith! I said that without realizing, truly, what faith is- something we cannot create, a gift that the Father gives to His children/

I remember about a year and a half ago telling Natalie that God was calling me to a life of total dependence in Him- for every single thing. I remember saying, “I ‘m ok with that…”

I remember exactly 1 year ago picking up dog poop while house-sitting for Mark and Kay, tears streaming down my face as my heart prayed, “ Lord, I trust that you either have someone 100 times better or the same guy 100 times better( He has given me the same guy a million time better!! J)

I remember sitting in the floor at my parents’ house after getting off the phone my emotions jerking back and forth between sadness and anger as I prayed, “ Lord, you know when we’re suppose to get married and will work out all the details…DETAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember just a few hours ago as I was driving home listening to the song, “Beautiful Jesus” The lines, “Brilliant Creator, Friend of Mine” struck me. A ll of a sudden, the moon was right there, so close, so beautiful, and it spoke to me, revealed so clearly the revelation of my Father, the Brilliant Creator, the Friend of Mine…the one who has provided so beautifully and so perfectly for Lue and I as we plan to get married in 135 days( 133 day today! J). I cannot begin to tell of all the ‘little’ details He has so beautifully worked out!!!! I got a call from the lovely Shelly Brenan tonight (Thursday night). She happened to remember that I have always talked about wanting to wear a sari to my wedding reception and called to ask if I wanted her to buy me one cause she was going on a missions trip to India !!!! I called Lue and asked him about my dream of wearing a sari to our wedding reception and he said yes in the most beautiful way with the most beautiful words!!!! That is just one example of the many details He is placing so beautifully in place as He weaves it all together!!!

God places dreams in our hearts then HE BRINGS THEM TO PASS. We think of the life of faith as something unusual or ‘special’, but really, if we were to look around us, really look and see the glory of God, we would realize that trusting Him for everything is the most sensible most normal, most natural things to do!!!!

In 135 (133 todayJ) days, I get to begin an amazing new chapter of my life! Jesus, keep you glory always before me…BRILLIANT CREATOR, FRIEND OF MINE!!!

Lists...countdowns...here...

2009-04-18T12:19:00.000-07:00

" Real generosity toward the future consists in giving all to what is present." Albert Camus
Got that from a white sugar thing while Sarah and I were at Cafe Lingo! :-)
It sounds so lovely and noble and right...actually living it out is another story!...I was at the HPC young adult meeting tonight. It was fun, refreshing. We played games, ate, laughed, etc, good fellowship...at the end Roger started to talk about the goals of the young adults ministry. For a moment, I was excited and started thinking of how awesome it will be to build relationships with evryone...and then it hit me...I'm leaving...I don't want to build relationships with people I'm planning on leaving...who does that??

...as I am typing this, it just hit me that that is exactly what Jesus did. He invested Himself in 12 guys for three years knowing very well how and when it would all 'end'. He knew Judas would betray Him, Peter would deny Him, He would die, rise again(PTL!!!!:-)) and then go back to heaven...but He still was ablet to be fully involved, fully present, and pour Himself wholeheartedly into these relationships!!!...

...I understand that in my head, and even accept it in my heart...I think now its a matter of what that looks like on a day to day basis...at church...when having converstaions...when hanging out...etc...He did it, so I guess asking Him to show me how would be a good idea...so that's what I'll do...ask Him to show me how to do this, the way He did it...

Being sick...nose ring drama??

2009-03-30T00:12:00.000-07:00

Between being sick and being busy and then being sick again :-) I haven't had much time to sit, process, and blog. Today, I am finally at the point where I feel that my energy levels are not such that I have to work in small increments in order to conserve energy!!! I am myslef again and can work as if I am one of those battery things on the adverts that have 6 times as much power as the other batteries, and I have to say that I am glad, I am happy, I love being well, and I love being able to do stuff!!!

Which brings me to one of my points...being sick the past week was pretty miserable and I kept asking the question I always ask when I'm sick, "What purpose is there in this?" This time I think it was to show me just what an awesome blessing it is to be well, to be healthy, to do all the things I can do( never mind the extras of money and stuff and all the other things we call blessings), just being well, being healthy and strong is such a blessing, and well, today, at 80% energy level, I have been made more fully aware of the blessing that it is, so yay!!!! :-)

In other news, remember the nose ring drama?? Some of you might!:-) Well, my nose ring mysteriously disappeared while I was in Zim last Christmas( the morning after I had asked Lu what he thought of it!!! :-))...and on Saturday, after many days of missing that little addition to my face, I decided to get another one. I went in the shop all by myself, trying not to think about the pain, wishing there was someone to give me moral support, when all of a sudden , my friend Tam and her sister walked up to me, and I was like, 'hey you guys want to be my moral support' They said yes and well the rest is history...we are hoping for a less dramatic experience as I heal :-)

Another really cool thing from being sick this past week was all the love and support. As much as I wear the sign 'Miss Independent' on my head, I really love it when I feel loved and taken care of and don't have to 'run and save the world!! :-)' and I am so thankful for all the love I received while sick...Sarah baked me choc chip cookies- I ate 4 that night and 4 the next morning!!!:-), Portia called me and texted me and kept 'checking on me'!, Becca was actaully sick with me one day :-), Make Nxumalo interceeded( yes, I'm talking serious no joking around prayer!!!:-)) for me, Roger played guitar for me on Friday so I could go home, Diane prayed for me,Paul took me home when my energy level was a bitt too close to zero, Ben said I should go home ( as much as I know I can and should go home when I'm sick, it means a lot when your boss actaully tells you to go home, at least for me :-)), the youth praise and worship team were sweet and kind:-), My mum was motherly and stuff :-), so many more things I can't rememmber...and of course, Lu again claimed first prize as the world's most amazing boyfriend while I was sick!!!!!

Yesterday, I woke up, still physically sick, but my heart was so stirred up, encouraged, and renewed...I sang and played at 200% energy level even though I felt I only had 50%, and it was awesome, He was awesome!!! He has so much He wants to do...Ps Isaac preached about giving what you have from the stroy of the lame man, Peter and John, etc. I was again reminded that I am on a mission, His mission- to go and make disciples- and even when I am sick He is with me to the end of the age, He will see to it that this mission is accomplished!!!! I can't wait to see what all He does...

...

2009-03-11T05:24:00.000-07:00

So I have had one of the hardest emotional days that I have ever had or at least remember having in while!!! Normal people would go run or something, but I can't really run :-) so I went to play the keys and wrote this:

A broken heart
A broken heart
A broken and contrite heart
A tearful song
A heart that longs
Through pain You lead me on

You cover me
You cover me
Sing sweetly
Sing sweetly

Rejoice oh my soul
Rejoice oh my soul
He has made me glad
He has made me glad

Faith chooses...

2009-03-11T00:48:00.000-07:00

My day has started out on a weird note...I am tempted to 'go with the flow' and become all negative and depressed, but I choose joy, I choose joy...

Zimbabwe, my heart, etc...

2009-03-03T22:14:00.000-08:00

The guys- Ps. Ben, Paul, and Tye- just got back from Zim. I was so happy to see them all and of course so hungry(yes, ravished! :-)) for stories from the Zimbabwe. I wanted so badly to hear about this place that will not let go of my heart, these people that I cannot wait to spend eternity with!!!! Some of the stories were funny, all I'm saying is Tye, lizzards? Paul, butterfiles?? :-) Then, they started to metnion names, like Philip, Lesley, Rudo...and places, like How Mine, Saurestown...and my poor little heart almost broke!!!

I have never felt a about any place the way I do about Zimbabwe. I have never loved anyone they way I love Lungile... I can't wait to go to Zim. I can't wait to serve God alongside Lungile...I'm reading 'Crazy Love' by Francis Chan and everyhting in that book speaks so loudly to me. It's challenging at times, but so true and my heart has no choice, but to embrace it!!! God has given me His crazy(unconditional, unfailing, perfect) love for a country and for a man, and I am not the same, I will never be the same, I am officially, eternally ruined!!! And it's so awesome!!!!!

Me and some kids at How Mine!!! Love them!!!

Quotes From 'Crazy Love'

2009-03-02T03:06:00.001-08:00

" People who are obsessed with Jesus aren't consumed with their personal safety and comfort above all else. Obsessed people care more about God's kingdom coming to this earth than their own lives being shielded from pain or distress."

" Obsessed people love those who hate them and who can never love them back."

" The idea of holding back certainly did not come from Scripture. The Bible teaches us to be consumed with Christ and to faithfully live out His words."

" There has to be more to our faith than friendliness, politeness, and even kindness."

" Godliness with contentment is great gain." 1 Tim 6:6

" People who are obsessed with Jesus live lives that connect them with the poor in some way or another."

" Why is it that the story of someone who has actually done what Jesus commands resonates deeply within us, but we then assume we could never do anything so radical/intense? or why do we call it radical when, to Jesus, it is simply the way it is? The way it should be?"

"A person who is obsessed with Jesus will do things that don't always make sense in terms of success or wealth on this earth. As Martin Luther put it, 'There are two days on my calendar:this day and that day.'

Matthew 6:33

2009-02-24T01:02:00.001-08:00

When Jesus said to seek first He kingdom and His righteousness, He wasn't asking or telling us to ignore those things that make up our day to day lives- the rent, the bills, food, clothes, etc. He was just telling us to make sure we don't have it backwards. In the verses before that He tells us not to worry. He doesn't say, "Don't need", "Don't plan", or "Don't want". He says, "Don't worry".Why? Because" your heavenly Father knows that you need them" God made us, and He made us to live on earth, this earth, at this time. He is fully aware of and intricately involved in the details of how things run here. He knows what we need to love here...He also knows and reminds us often that this earth is temporal, there bodies are vessels, tents, containers, a means to an end, and that 'end' is eternity with Him. But he is fully aware of the fact tat for there to be an end there must be a means, and He is the sovereign, loving Father who has it all under control.The ends, the means, the containers, its all in His very detailed, awesome plan- a plan that is motivated by the passionate, relentless love that draws Him to us!!!

Weakness...

2009-02-18T00:13:00.000-08:00

"The same power that conquered the grave lives in me..." Hillsong United

Ephesians 3:20 says something similar, " ...according to His power at work in us..."

I am filled with such excitement as I look to the future. So many possibilities, so much opportunity to make an eternal difference in so many lives.The life I always desired( even when I didn't realize it) is before me, waiting for me to 'jump in'. All of this, however, also brings me closer to the place of dependence...on Him. It's not a place of weakness. It is a place where my weaknesses are seen for whast they are- weaknesses! At the same time, the very same time, I can ay wiht the Apostle Paul in 2 Cor 12:10, " Therefore, I will boast all te more gladly about my weakness, so that Christs' powe may rest on me." I will not be shy/embarrassed about teh fact that on my own I am scared, I am emotionally incapable of 'handling it', I don't ahve enough money, I don't ahve enough talent, I lack in so many ways...so I offer all thse things to Him as an opportunity for Him to 'show up and show off' on my behalf! Once again, I am His needing and needy child and His is my Perfect Father.The one who...
"is able to do immeasurably more than allwe cn ask or imagine according to His power that is AT WORK WITHIN US, to Him be glory..."

From "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan...

2009-02-15T22:50:00.000-08:00

" This place of trust isn't a comfortable place to be; in fact it flies in the face of everything we've been taught about proper planning.We like finding refuge in what we already have rather than in what we hope God will provide. But when Christ says to count the cost of following Him, it means we must surrender everything. It means being willing to go without an extra tunic or a place to sleep at night, and sometimes without knowing where we are going..."

" He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through"

" But love your enemies, do good to them and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful just a s your Father is merciful."Luke 6:34-36

"When it's hard and you are doubtful GIVE MORE."

Luke 14:12-14

A Perfect Gift...

2009-01-30T00:36:00.000-08:00

The past month has been...I don't know how to describe it, really, but it's definitely been good, great, amazing in so many ways...

This absolutely amazing guy in the picture there with me has been a huge part of why I've had such an awesome month, not because this month has been all about him, or because my life is all about him. Rather, he has weaved himself into my life, and, in the most beautiful way, the most loving way, he has brought me closer to the place I desire to be- at the feet of the One I love!!!... I have learned lessons in faith, 'letting go', receiving... I have come to know God's goodness in such a real way, I have forsaken fear for faith and am ready to go where I know He is leading me...I have learned to hear clearly as He speaks to me...I love it...I am so thankful for the perfect gift He has given me in giving me Lungile...

Only You...

2009-01-26T02:26:00.000-08:00

Only You

David Crowder

Take my heart, I lay it down

At the feet of you whose crowned

Take my life, I’m letting go

I lift it up to You who’s throned

And I will worship You, Lord only You, Lord

And I will bow down before You only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear

All I have, I’m leaving here

Be all my hopes, be all my dreams

You're my delights, be my everything

And It’s just you and me here now

Only you and me here now

He calls me His Beloved, His Child, His Friend...

2009-01-21T01:27:00.000-08:00

From Christ For the Nations Institue

Jesus the most beautiful
Name of all names
Jesus the only Name
that brings healing and strength

When I speak Your name,
Mountains move, chains are loosed
When I speak Your name,
Darkness flees; it has no hold on me

Jesus, most beautiful name that I know
You're the exalted One
Jesus, You have the power alone
You lift the lowly one, Jesus

Jesus the most wonderful
Name of all names
Jesus the only Name
that brings freedom and hope

Be exalted, Be exalted
Be exalted higher and higher!!!!

Zim pics and details coming soon! :-)

2009-01-15T22:31:00.000-08:00

" If I testify about Myself, My testimony is not valid. There is Another who testifies about Me, and I know that the testimony He gives about Me is valid." John 5:31-32...

I read John 5 yesterday, and was going to read chapter 6 today, but when I opened my Bible this verse from chapter 5 stood out to me...

I learned many things from the most amazing man ever, Lungile Ncube while I was in Zim, and one of the things I learned was that I really do have an unhealthy concern for what people think of me. Now, I strongly believe in being an example and living my life aware of the fact that I am being 'watched'. I believe I need to be accountable to people and should be open to advice, correction, etc, but at the same time, I cannot let people's opinions (good or bad) determine the decisions I make in life....

In the verse above, Jesus said, He knew that the testimony His Father gave about Him was valid. The more I know what God says about me, what He thinks, and truly believe that, the more freedom I will have to live the life that He has called me to live( a life that will be filled with challenges and opposition and trials and times of questions and doubt and being 'alone' etc)...this is one of those things that seems obvious, and we talk about all the time, but some of us a little slow and take a while to get it! :-)

3 more days!!!

2008-12-15T01:53:00.001-08:00

I just got a call informing me that one of the children from the care points had passed away. He was about 9 or 10; he drowned. My heart broke, tears filled my eyes, I took a break from my to-do list and reminded myself, once again, what its all about...eternity...

1 week!!!! Omg I am soooooooooooo excited!!!!!!!!! :-)

2008-12-11T01:28:00.000-08:00

So I was thinking today about my life, who I was once, who I am now, you know the person I have grown to become. I am obviously still Zinty, but I have also grown, changed, learned, picked up things along the way...and it made me realize how key it is to approach life as a 'student'...we don't come out of the womb as the complete person we are meant to be( knowing everything we are meant to know and stuff), however, we come out of the womb with a mind and a heart that are ready to absorb and 'take it all in' and, as we do we, grow into who we were meant to be...

8 days...

2008-12-09T21:55:00.001-08:00

So I feel like I'm wrestling...so I looked up this Scripture cause I was like oh yeah there's a Scripture that talks about that, and then I read it and was like, uhh, don't really understand. So I am going to look at it some more :-), and please feel very free to share your insights...

Genesis 32:24-30

So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.

Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

9 days...

2008-12-09T02:32:00.001-08:00

So, i have kinds of figured out the past few days, well, at least I feel that I can explain it( my need to have things explained is another thing that we-the Lord and I are working on-). You see, I have been living in this place, this new place. I think I can call it Faith-ville. It's the place where faith is no longer optional, but rather necessary, vital, you need it and there's no way around it!! For a long time I lived in this other place where faith was optional. I could choose to have it and other times I was ok without it(cause I would draw from my 'own abilities'. I had come up with a system where my faith in God was selective. He, of course, did not put His stamp of approval on it, but rather graciously brought me 'to my senses'

...and so I embarked on the journey to Faith-ville. On my journey I experienced things such as 'surrender', 'trust', 'brokenness', 'His ways vs my way( His ways winning over mine! :-)), and great joy and peace

...eventually, I arrived in Faith-ville and, well, as a newcomer I have found that, first of all, it took a while for me to realize that I had arrived in Faith-ville and secondly, I did not know 'how to live' in Faith-ville...

...so now I am learning what it looks like being in Faith-ville, and i have just learned one thing that will make my stay here much more 'pleasant'. When you are in Faith-ville, you become more fully aware of your inadequacy, you realize that you are powerless without Him, truly and utterly inadequate and powerless, but with that realization, must also come the realization of the truth that 'that is how He wants it'. He wants you to be the empty vessel into which He can pour Himself into. It's not just ok for me to have all these questions and needs, it's how He meant it to be...He is the good Father who is waiting to give His children good gifts, all kinds of good gifts...Because of my twistedness, I was totally thrown off and even afraid of my feelings/awareness of how inadequate I am without Him, of how much I need Him (for the simple day to day, basic stuff!!!). I felt like I was doing something wrong by needing Him so much(yeah, like I said, I am twisted! :-)- He graciously untwists me!)

Have this up on my desk(thanks Nat!) from Streams in the Desserts:

"Bring them here to me. Matthew 14:18...Do you find yourself at this very moment surrounded with needs,and nearly overwhelmed with difficulties, trials, and emergencies? Each of these is God's way of providing vessels for the Holy Spirit to fill...Firmly hold the vessels before Him, in faith and in prayer. Remain still before Him, and stop your own restless working until He begins to work... Philippians 4:19 What a source- God! What a supply- His glorious riches! What a channel- Jesus Christ...In His great love, He has thrown open to you His exhaustive treasury.Go in and draw upon Him in simple childlike faith, and you will never again have the need to rely on anything else!"

I need to read that everyday for the rest of my life!!!! :-)

10 days...

2008-12-08T04:58:00.000-08:00

until I am in Zimbabwe!!! I am so so so excited!!! I get to see the most amazing man ever!!! :-) and be where my heart is!!! yay!!!...and it's almost Christmas!!! Lots of reasons to celebrate!!! :-)...prayers for a safe, fruitful, fun trip to Zimbabwe would be greatly appreciated!!!

He is good...

2008-12-03T04:40:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE33ejdgWIY

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Its my weakness that perfects Your power?

2008-12-03T00:23:00.000-08:00

...so I have been analyzing my situation as described in the previous post, and I think I may have discovered something! :-)...I remember a time when I loved God, loved Him very much, but also told Him I would not trust Him with certain things concerning my life. It was this agreement we had(or I thought I had :-)), and well, it seemed to work well because it kept me 'in control'...I am no longer in that place. I have since learned that He is way better being 'in control', pretty much I have learned that trust is the basis of our relationship..."...without faith, it is impossible to please God because whoever comes to Him must believe not only that He exists, but also that He rewards those who diligently seek Him"

...Then I was the boss and did not need to trust because well I decided what i did, I made the plans, I loved God, just didn't trust Him(or at least trust Him enough) and so there was no need for any test, there was no faith to be tested...

...Now, He is the boss and our relationship is all about trust, and faith, and I guess my faith is being tested, and tests are not supposed to be fun right(I actually liked tests in school...:-)), but they are necessary for us to go to the next level...and so I guess the next level awaits on the other side of this test...ok lets do it!...

Did anybody say battlefiled??

2008-12-02T22:40:00.000-08:00

"I'll risk it all if you make me like You"

I said that that, sang that, and i meant it, I really did. I was willing to give it all up...for Him, I still am...I just have been having some really intense battles in my mind concerning this idea of risking all, giving up all, it's like all of a sudden I am so much more acutely aware of the all that I am being asked to risk or give up, and my mind is struggling with 'accepting' it. Its really weird and well, I don't like it at all!!! Can I just say that? I don't like it, I hate it,It sucks, highly sucks!!!...its not the giving it all up that sucks;its more the realsing that I am all of a sudden having such a hard time with it, not the 'normal struggles' you're 'supposed' to have, no I am having the specially made for you struggles, you know the one that make you think, " I can' t do this, I don't want to do this" and even as the words roll off your tongue you are struck with shame as you realize that you are saying to the One who gave you His life, "I don't trust You" and at the same time struck with anger as you realize the lies that you have somehow allowed to consume you!!!

...So I read Scriptures like this one from 2 Corinthians 5: " And He died for all that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again" and I think of Him who died as He prayed in the Garden, "Take this cup from me if you can", and I am acutely aware of the 'smallness' of the sacrifice He is asking me to make and also reminded of my love for Him...I want to give it all up for Him because I love Him..." For Christ's love compels us..."...and I am like ok, let's do this. It won't be easy, there's no plan all set out for me necessarily, lots of faith will be required, but let's do this!! And I am good...

...and then another 'situation' comes up and my mind goes crazy again. I am talking crazy craziness!!! ...So I go and spend some time with Him and again He helps me see that things will be ok, even more than ok, and again I am sure of what He is asking me to do...and then something else happens, a need, a situation I can compare myself to, a thought, a question, a doubt, something else I don't have and I am back to the mind going crazy deal!!!!...the thing is I know all the right things to 'think', I know the truth, that's not the problem...really its like there's a battle going on in my mind...I will keep fighting as long as I have to, it's just really tiring and far from fun!!!...

...I guess I am sharing this so you can pray for me cause I definitely need lots of that, and maybe if anyone else can relate you can be encouraged somehow, I guess by knowing you're not the only one having crazy mind moments!! :-)

Peace...

2008-12-02T06:39:00.000-08:00

Some 'goodness' from Natalie's blog...

And then you have “peace”, the beauty of peace. We JUST CAN NOT form it, develop it, make it, or buy it…. it’s His to give and ours to take and without time with Him, there is none to be had in our life.

HE IS THE LIFE>>>> HE IS THE PEACE! IT IS HIM WE NEED

My most favorite man has started blogging and I am excited!!!!!!! :-)

2008-11-20T06:53:00.001-08:00

www.lungilencube.blogspot.com

You have not because you ask not...

2008-11-18T02:51:00.000-08:00

So today is one of those days, yes, one of those days!!! I have been holding myself back all morning, trying to be polite(or at least just quiet). I am as frustrated as can be, and want to let it all out in ways that may not necessarily be kind...I am just arrrghhhhh, mad, upset, angry, furious, thinking what the heck!!!!!!!!!! screaming inside my head aaarrrggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

...I love and appreciate greatly the fact that the Lord does not ask me to come before Him all nicely put together, that He not only sees, but ,yes ,feels my frustration...wow, what an awesome God!!!! I am learning about being honest and vulnerable (thanks, Lungile :-)) and how I am so good at 'putting up a show' that so many times I don't even realize I'm doing it...today, I really am too frustrated to 'put up a show'...for anyone, I am thankful that He loves me still...He speaks to me in the midst of my frustration and says, "Ask...Ask me...for the peace your heart so desperately needs, for the love you seem to have run out of, for the comfort, the GRACE to do this...to the glory of my Name, for My glory"...

...and so, Lord I ask you for all of those things and everything else I need to walk through this frustration reflecting You, loving You... and being loved by You...

Choosing not to worry...resting in His love...

2008-11-14T04:23:00.000-08:00

...so I was talking to Lungile(the most amazing man in the world :-)) the other day and telling him about how I was nervous about something that I had to do. He responded with some wise words which pretty much boiled down to the Scripture in 1 John that talks about perfect love casting out fear...I have been thinking a lot about that, and it's alarming how 'fearful' I can be, how uneasy I can get when things are not just right, how worry takes over when my physical circumstances are less than perfect...clearly there is a lack of perfect love, not that the Lord is not loving me perfectly, but more that I am not receiving His love...the more I thought about it, the more I analyzed it, the more issues I saw that I have! :-)...so this is not about how I have figured it out and sorted all my issues, I wish it was, but its not! :-) Its about how I am going to get started on this journey( or rather continue) and learn to receive...His love...

You have not because you ask not...He wants us to ask...to ask Him...He loves us, its not just a verse or a song, a cool thing to say or a line from a sermon, it's truth, truth, just as true or even more true than this white wall(with a ton of stuff up cause I like to put a ton of things up on my wall :-)) in front of me...so I will be saying to myself all day today and tomorrow and the next day and forever, He loves me!!!!...

All He Asks For...

2008-11-14T00:37:00.000-08:00

...is my heart, ALL OF IT, so I'm giving it to Him, not cleaning it up first, not fixing things I don't even know are broken, not covering it up with pretty things on the outside, JUST GIVING IT TO HIM...

...As we come to You with our fresh battle wounds and no one to heal them BUT YOU..." Becca

It's been exactly 39 days today...

2008-11-12T04:39:00.000-08:00

... since i started dating the most amazing man in the world...yes I said the most amazing man in the world!!...I know, I thought Wentworth Miller was as good as it got, but I was mistaken!! :-)...Lungile Ncube came along and well I can't get this smile off of my face!!!:-)...

Ok, I'll be serious now, I really am so so thankful for an absolutely amazing man who loves the Lord passionately and is 'running this race' with me...

...I forgot to mention that he rocks the guitar and is an aspiring poet:-)

Ok, pictures!! :-)

Like I said, he's an incredible musician (and i am not just dating him so I can get free lessons! :-P)
Him playing, me singing, we make a pretty good team! :-)...

...and a cute couple! :-)

Thoughts from the Front desk...

2008-11-06T02:45:00.000-08:00

I am sitting in for the receptionist at the front desk, a task that is not on my top 10 favorite things to do! :-)...I've been reading The Shack by William Young and thought I'd share some stuff that I appreciated,

" The problem is that many folks try to grasp some sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can percieve, which often much isn't much, and then call that God.And while it may seem like a noble effort, the truth is that it falls pitifully short of who I rally am. I'm not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more than that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think."

" You on the other hand were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around...pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly...And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."...

I am half way through this book and think it will make it to Zinty's top 5. I am in this place right now where I didn't even realise I was. Actually, I really don't even know where this place is that I am; I just know that something inside of me is stirred, maybe even healed as I read this story that is reaching to depths inside of me that I didnt' know were there...again, thank You, Father...

More Zim...I mean I can't just get enough!! :-)

2008-10-28T07:37:00.000-07:00

My new 'mums' :-)...

Love these girls so much!!!...

And this one!!! :-)

Zie and the boys :-)

And...saving the best for last :-)...just thought I should let you all know that Zinty has moved on from Wentworth Miller to bigger and better things!!!!!!!!!:-)...

As promised...

2008-10-20T06:47:00.000-07:00

My Zimbabwean dad and mum:-)...pastor Dixon and his wife, love them!!!!Nomsa, the pastor's wife at Mashivngo, one of the care points...just one of the amazing people who radiate Christ's love in a way that captured my heart...

While the men had an awesome time of repentance...

The girls had a blast competing against each other...my team won! :-)..."I'm feeling ginger! :-)"
Sunday was awesome...

Saurestown,where we had the second service was beyond awesome!!!....

I don't think I've said how awesome Sunday was!!!...

Yeah, pretty much one the most amazing Sundays ever!!!...

Stretching...

2008-10-16T01:02:00.000-07:00

So, I am going through this, uhh this situation and it's pretty much the Lord asking me to lay my heart out there even if the risks of it being crushed (again) are high...yeah that is what He does for me everyday, every moment, it's love, I know what it is, but yesterday and a few days before that I wanted nothing to do with it. I was like, Lord, no no no, please anything else, but this!!!!! I just did not want to do it, broken hearts are not fun, and I was done so so done, but I obeyed because I love Him (I didn't feel too loving right then! )...and then I cried and cried and go this text from someone who is very special to me!! :-),

It was Hosea 10: 12 and it said, " Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap the fruit of unfailing love,and break up your unploughed ground; for it is time to seek the lord until he comes and showers righteousness onyou."

I knew it was for me; I cried again!! Then I went to Bible Study and shared my situation with my friends there...Kristin shared something encouraging with me. Pretty much she told me God was calling me to do this thing that I felt I could not do to 'increase my capacity'; He knows I can do it even though I feel I can't (and don't want to!!!!). I cried some more (yes, lots of crying for this girl!! :-))...I looked at the Scripture again: sow righteousness. What is righteousness? Doing the right thing, doing it God's way...so pretty much do the right thing and then love will come...I cried again...then I decided I was going to do the right thing even if it took all the strenght I cloud master up and trust Him to bring the love...and He has, He so has, I can't really share all the details, but I can say that once again He has so come through ( He always does!!)...Susan shared something at Bible Study after my 'prayer request'. She talked about 'finishing strong'...hmm yeah, this 'season' of my life has been an awesome time of giving of myself in various ways, and now I am tired...I need to run back to the Source; I need to make a pit stop; I need to refill cause it's not over yet...there is more loving, more giving, more dying, more fighting to do...

the rest of the Scripture from Hosea talked about unploughed ground...there is still more to be done- in and through me...

so we keep going...

Zimbabwe...

2008-10-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

I wish I could open up my heart and lay it on here, it is so full, so full right now!!!...The Lord has been speaking to this girl, saying a lot, a lot!!!...

Zimbabwe, wow, wow, wow... I never knew that a place could capture your heart, that you could have a broken heart from leaving a place...even now my heart hurts...but its good, yeah it is, gosh I don´t even know where to start...love, love, and more love is what I received in Zim, a deeper revelation of suffering that brings great maturity, trails that bring true joy...I saw something in the hearts of the many awesome people I got to meet there and I was jealous for it...

I read this from a devotional, " The education of our faith is incomplete if we have yet to learn that God´s providence works through loss, that there is a ministry to us through failure and the fading of things, and that He gives the gift of emptiness. It is, in fact, the material insecurities of life that cause our lifves to be spiritually... we must all learn the difference between trusting in the gift and trusting in the Giver. The gift may last for a season, but the Giver is the only eternal love"...the Giver is the only eternal love...that is the message He has been speaking to my heart, even as He has showerd all these amazing gifts on me (yes, so many!!),He is enough, always enough...

...so back to Zimbabwe...pics will follow soon, I promise...but for now, here are my words :-)... my first night there I met an amazing lady, Aunty Kay, the circumstances surrounding our meeting was me puking in the bathroom at youth, and her cleaning up my puke (yes, I said cleaning up my puke!!), and then just sitting with me and loving me as I sat in the bathroom having one of the worst headaches I have ever had...

The next day, we went to a Womens Sports day where I got to hang with some amazing women who the Lord has delivered from some pretty rough stuff...my team one by the way! :-)...that night we hung out with the leadership team and some pasotrs...goodness, just amazing, awesome goodness...then Sunday, church...hmmm yeah, hmmm yeah...we attended two services, the second service was in a town called Saurstown where I got to lead worship with some awesome people (I´m talking crazy, passion for Jesus! and just good fun!:~)), and we hadn´t even practiced!! It was awesome...Monday and Tuesday we went out to the middle of nowhere and visited some care points- it makes no sense to me, but there, in the middle of nothingness, where we could not find any food in every single store we went to, there in the middle of nowhere, my heart was captured once again...I fell in love with a place...

I cried when leaving( did I mention I was travelling with 3 guys- Ben, Patrick, and Mark) and well, yeah the guys tried their best to be nice to the really emotional girl! :-)...but it was more than just emotions, it was a broken heart, my heart was being torn away from this place that it has fallen in love with, and it hurt...

Zimbabwe was a gift to me in many ways. I am so so glad I got to go, I cannot wait to return...

To you I give my life...

2008-09-24T06:43:00.000-07:00

...not just the parts I want to

TO YOU I sacrifice....

.... these dreams that I hold on to

To you I give my future...

to you I give my past

Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine...

This is no sacrifice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

HERE'S MY LIFE...

I am my Beloveds and He is mine!!!

2008-09-23T03:21:00.000-07:00

Sitting in Ps. Ron's class going through the Journey of Israel. Ps. Ron is pretty intense, hardcore, serious business, and the book we're doing now is really thick and really deep...basically there's a lot to take in,a lot of do this and that and don't do this and that, etc, yeah, a lot! The funny thing is I'm still sitting here not overwhelmed by it all, but rather taking note so quickly my hand hurts because my heart is hungry for this. This brings me to a question, 'Why, why is my heart hungry for this?' The answer, 'Because I love Him!' Simple, right there, that's it! I love Him, I love Him( only and only because He first loved me and continues to draw me!) I am hopelessly in love with this King, yes so hopeless I will choose a 270 page book( wit not even one pic) over a night out with friends because it draws me closer to Him and THAT'S ALL I WANT, HIM, HIM HIM!!!

Ps. Ron said something during class, basically he said that the difference between the Old Testament and the New is this:

OT: the law was written on tablets of stone
NT: the law is written on our hearts

HE HAS WON MY HEART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Random Tears part 2

2008-09-21T23:04:00.001-07:00

Saturday...

The past couple days 3 different things have 'broken my heart'. Yesterday it was a random picture of someone I barely know and the sound of some songs that both brought me to the point of tears. These two things reminded my heart of a particular place and as I thought of this place it broke my heart, my eyes cried and I had to look away from the picture and walk away from the sound of the songs...I guess the best way I can explain it is, well actually, I have no explanation (for once in my life :-))...

The third thing happened today...this man came up to the gate (at Natalie's where I spent the night). He rang the bell thing and I answered; He asked if he could provide us with 'the service of grass-cutting during this rainy season' I said, 'No thank you, we're fine.' He walked down the driveway; I watched him from the window, then it happened again, my heart broke, so I prayed for him, I prayed a lot for him, then the tears came and came and I prayed for myself. I prayed for grace and provision so I could be a b lessing; I prayed that He would teach me to be content in a ll situations...my heart is till broken for that man, for many like him, for myself...

2008-09-18T07:39:00.001-07:00

Today's a holiday here in Swaziland, but I'm at the office getting stuff done, no I'm not a workaholic who has no life! :-), but I am driven and determined to meet our goal of 600 new Child Profiles by the end of Sept...plus it'll make a huge difference in the lives of hundreds of children...

so anyway, I'm here, KB and Nomty are here too, but its pretty quiet, I like it...I've been uploading profiles onto the beloved ftp site! :-), labeling pics, etc...and of course browsing through blogs...I was looking at someone's blog and came across a picture of someone I know, but barely and it brought tears to my eyes, I'm talking serious tears here...I was like what the heck! Why am I crying?? The pic wasn't even sad or anything, and yes I am a girl, and girls cry about everything, but come on, a random pic of someone I barely know!!...well, the pic represented something, a place, and when I saw it these feelings in me were stirred pretty deeply...I don't know, don't even know what I'm trying to say really...I guess I'm wondering what exactly it is He is stirring in me...and why...

a couple random pics :-)...

I thought this was a gorgeous sky!

Just being myself! :-)

Home Visits part 1

2008-09-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

We are in the middle of training with our MoM field reps, which is just a fancy name for the amazing people who daily love and care for the children at Mercy Centers. Today we went out to Zombodze Mercy Center in a community which, much like most of the communities we work in, is plagued by poverty. Our purpose was to do home-visits, another fancy name for the time MoM field reps spend getting to know the children we work with as more than just a number or a face. For our first home visit, we went to the home of woman named Xolile. I think it was the combination of the humble home into which we were welcomed as well as the sight of Xolile sitting on a mat on the floor with the children she cares for that caused each one of us to pause, take it all in, and remember once again what a privilege it is to serve communities, gogos(grandmothers), and children!

Xolile has no children of her own, but cares for the children and grandchildren of her deceased brothers and sisters. One of the girls she cares for, Nokwanda, is sick and requires much care in terms of time as well as finances. Xolile told us how she could not believe it when she was told that Nokwanda’s medical needs would be taken care of completely by the people at the Mercy Center, and not just financially. The teachers and MoM field rep at the Mercy Center all work together to make sure Nokwanda takes her medicine at the right time with the right amount of food. If it wasn’t for the help she is receiving, Xolile doesn’t think Nokwanda would still be alive. She could not stop talking about how she can now ‘rest’ because she knows her children will receive a meal, and more!

She had the children smile so we could see how white their teeth were as she said, “Before the Mercy Center was here, we never brushed our teeth, and now look at our beautiful smiles!” Zethu, another of the children Xolile looks after could not stop smiling as I took pictures of her. Her parents are both alive, but unemployed and unable to provide for Zethu’s basic needs. Xolile took Zethu in when she was just a baby, and has cared for her as her own child since. We prayed with Xolile and the children before we left, once again thankful for the privilege of serving, of being His hands and feet, of being a part of something that is a matter of life and death, something that will last through eternity!

Let's Pray!!!

2008-08-28T23:54:00.000-07:00

http://www.30-days.net

Remember that millions of Muslims around the world will be gathering for prayer today. They will also be thinking about the fasting period starting for them during Ramadan. While some Muslims are obviously very committed and dedicated to this time, others find it a burden and struggle.

Please take some time to commit the next month of prayer to the Lord. The "30 Days" of intercession starts in a few days. Hundreds of thousands of Christians around the planet will be praying with us for Muslim people. Spiritual forces of darkness are very active in opposing prayer, evangelism, Bible translation efforts medical care, social work against injustice, etc.

We will probably find some spiritual opposition in our own lives in the coming weeks as we pray. Let us prepare ourselves for the struggle. Meditate on these texts: Ephesians 6:10-20, James 4:7, 1 Peter 5:8-9, 2 Kings 6:16-17

Choosing to see...

2008-08-25T04:51:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend was awesome!!! No, I didn't do a 24 all-nighter, and no, I didn't go on a hot date with Wentworth Miller :-)...

On Saturday, Natalie and I went to an area called Msunduza. It's pretty much the ghetto of Mbababe! :-) HPC was out there doing Servolution the other weekend so we decided to go back and visit some of the amazing people we met. We visited the home of our friends Solomon and Precious, then Precious took us to gogo's (a really old, really precious lady) house where we just chilled for a while. Then it got really exciting!!...We brought out the paraffin stove, fried some chicken and Precious and Natalie cooked some pap. We had about 20 children outside gogo's little house just chilling with us (they danced for us and we gave them sweets :-) ) So, anyway, when the pap and chicken was ready, we couldn't just tell the kids to leave so we had them get into little groups and gave each group a plate of food. It wasn't much, but they loved it, and I think we loved it more!...

I live in Swaziland,in Africa, have lived here all my life pretty much. I have relatives who live in places like Msunduza. This was not something new to me, or maybe I should say this wasn't something foreign to me. It seemed so different, though...

gogo's little house, the paraffin stove with the pot of chicken over it, the children hanging out by the door, gogo's precious little face...it's like I saw it, I really saw it kinda the way Jesus sees it, and I loved it, really loved it all. I can't wait to go back and cook chicken on the paraffin stove, dance with the kids, chat with Precious, rub gogo's back...

There's so much around us, so much life, so much life to be a part of, to take in, this weekend I chose to see it, take it in, and it was amazing!!!!...

I'll get pcis from Natalie and post soon :-) ...oh and I made a new friend, Tracy, she's about 5, I think and she's so so cute!! :-)

A month later :-)

2008-08-21T06:20:00.000-07:00

Just read an awesome story on Natalie's blog...

Had some an amazing past month- yes it's been a month since I last blogged!!! it's been amazing and crazy busy! :-)... some stuff I've been thinking bout...

Miracles…deep inside, we all long for them, and yet at the same time we are afraid that they will not happen and so we keep our desire from the hidden away in the safety of our hearts and minds. We reason that if no one else knows what we hope for it is somehow less heartbreaking when it does not come to pass…

as children we dreamed of impossible things; we removed all limits from our imaginations; we hoped. We dreamed, we believed. Then we grew up and our dreams did no come true, our hopes were shattered, our belief betrayed. So we did what any normal person would do- we put up the walls, got ourselves some protection, prepared for failure. The problem with that is well, its wrong!

We had it right when we were children. The kingdom of God (a kingdom of power, miracles, dreams that are fulfilled beyond our wildest imagination) is revealed to little children. The thing is miracles; supernatural acts of God still happen, o they do! Everything He ever said about Himself (Faithful, Almighty, Loving, Kind) is all still true; every promise He ever made still stands. Miracles…deep inside we know that’s what we were made for; deep inside we know that because our Father, Lover, and Friend is God; the Creator of the universe, our lives should and can be nothing less that extraordinary, supernatural, miraculous! “Give us back our childlike faith!”

25, finally!! :-)

2008-07-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

I was 16 years old, went to bed, and when I woke up I was 25!! …but that’s for another blog. :-)…

My birthday, yesterday, was all I could have wanted it to be (from the kidnappers to the car fiasco- Natalie, can I borrow that word? :-)), thanks to the Lord, who continues to lavishly pour the gift of friendship on Zinty, and yes Zinty is still loving it :-)…birthdays are pretty much a big deal to me, and I love that the Lord knows that, and He made sure I had an amazing day! Lord, wow, thank you, thank you, that You always do exceedingly, abundantly above!!!

Pics to follow soon!!! :-)

The thing with crowns...

2008-07-18T00:20:00.000-07:00

So, you make all this progress with the Lord, and it’s great, absolutely great, you’re growing, finally!! :-) yay, yay, yay, yes, it’s so worth 3 yays!!

Then, you start to pray the good Christian prayer, ‘Lord, keep me humble”. And, being the good Lord that He is, He answers you, soon, even! :-) But again, because He’s so good, His answer isn’t what you expected (I mean really what were you expecting??:-))…His answer is something like this, “If I’m going to make you humble, I’m going to have to remove this pride in you.” And He doesn’t just say that, He shows you the pride, you see it, and it’s ugly (I mean, did you think it would be pretty??:-)). So, your prayer begins to sound more like this, “O Lord, this pride is so so ugly, O Lord, I am weak, I am prideful, please, please, loving Father, take it away, take it away, I need You, I need You” and then you just cry out to Him, cause you just, well, that’s just all you can do!! And He pats you on the shoulder and says hey, read this:

They lay their crowns before the throne and say:
"You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being." Rev 4:11

And so , you lay your crown at his feet, realizing, yet once again, that crowns are great, and He wants to give you a crown, but the best place for your crown is not on your head, but rather at His feet!!! You worship Him, thanking, Him, oh so thankful for His grace, and again fully aware that this is a lesson you will learn yet again in the future…

“I Need This Old Train to Break Down” :-)Jack Johnson

2008-07-17T02:33:00.000-07:00

The past few days I have been ‘broken down’ physically. Yes, the infamous Swazi ‘flu’ had its hold on me. The headaches, the all-over-the body- aches, the runny nose, the stuffed nose, the teary eyes, the sore, sore, sore throat, all of it!!!!! It pretty much was not fun!!! I am so glad to be well again!!! :-) …I have, however, during this time of sickness been forced to slow down, and do some reflection. It’s been pretty good…:-)

I stepped out of my life, looked in, and saw some good stuff, some great stuff. I have so much to be thankful for. I am not just saying this; I really do have a lot to thank God for!!!

1. My amazing ‘circle of friends’!! The thing with friends is when you have them you think it’s just, you know, something everyone has, but there was a time when I was seriously lacking in the area of solid Christian support and just people to laugh with. However, the past couple of years or so, however, God opened the doors of heaven and rained down some friends for Zinty! :-)and Zinty loves it!! :-)

2. My wonderful family. They are not perfect, I know all of their worst fault, and they know mine!!! But we love each other and continue to make some great memories…and restore some broken relationships…

3. My work. Seriously, to be able to go to a place you call work and love what you do is a huge blessing and that’s all I’ll say about that!! :-)

4. My church. It’s like God said, ‘let’s try this church thing again, and this time let’s see if we can make it work’. Again, it’s not perfect, but I love that I get to call this church my home!!

5. My Jesus!!!

Confessions of an Addict?? 

2008-07-17T02:30:00.000-07:00

“Zinty, why are you home early, today?”

Every member of my family, yes, all 4 of my siblings as well as my mum and dad asked me this question when I got home today. At first, it was actually quite funny- the expressions on their faces and the tone in their voices were pretty hilarious. Then I was like, uhh, is it a good thing that my family is so surprised that I’m home early?? I mean it wasn’t even like I was early; early was just a relative term. My mum even said, “It’s so nice to see my baby girl in the house before dark!”….

My point? Somehow, between January (when I made a resolution to leave work at 5 everyday no matter what) and now, I have sunk back into my ‘workaholic’ tendencies. I love to do a good job! If you’re going to do something, then do it well, do your absolute best! Yes, yes, and yes, but you see there’s thing called balance, and it’s pretty useful and I tend to lack balance a lot! I do my ‘job’ well (at least I think so:-)), and I love that I do that, but that’s not all I was created to do well. There’s my amazing family, incredible friends, me :-), and of course my Precious Lord Jesus! All of those things require just as much excellence, just as much 100% of me. I guess it all goes back to priorities, and again, I seem to have those mixed up more often than not!...So, here I am, having fallen pretty much flat on my face, again! :-) I am getting up again!:-) and I’m going to try yet once again! :-) to work on balance, priorities, doing things with excellence, doing life with excellence- all of it!!

So proud of my big sis!!

2008-06-30T05:04:00.000-07:00

Alice Chasusa

Meet Alice Chasusa who holds a degree in theology, used to teach RE in Swaziland, but is now a news reader on Zambezi Radio 107.5 fm here in Livingstone! Alice guested on our show on Sunday night The Chanters Lodge Experience With The Milli Jam Ingredient, and she's a natural having joined 107.5 fm recently after a lengthy audition process.

Milli Jam walked straight into a trap, given Alice's theology degree, by asking me what was on the blog this week. Yup! Straight in with the story about the priest, the nun, and Psalm 129 which you'll find a couple of posts back. Particularly relevant not only because of Alice's religious background, but also because Milli Jam's battling to present "Gospel Highway" on 107.5 at, wait for it, 06.00 hours every Sunday morning! "If you're not well informed you might miss an opportunity" I told listeners and riskily told the tale of the priest in the car who fancied a nun, but didn't know Psalm 129 which allegedly says "go forth and seek, further up you will find glory". (Actually when you look it up it doesn't say that at all but it's a good story!)"Why didn't you become a nun?" I asked Alice. "I'm looking for adventure!" was the reply "so was the nun in that story!" Said I.

Alice was brought up in Swaziland and studied there as well as in Illinois, USA. "Weren't you roped in to become one of the King of Swazi's umpteen wives?" I wanted to know. "If you're a foreigner you're not obliged to accept" said Alice, without saying whether she'd been proposed or not, going on to explain that for some of the many young Swazi girls who do marry the King, it's regarded as an honour.

The music on the show was nice. Alice likes Luther Van Ross so we played "I'd Rather" which was good and there was some Westlife and Dolly Parton to keep the listeners happy. Milli Jam wanted to know why Alice wasn't married to anyone, never mind the King of Swazi. "Haven't found Mr Right!" "Boyfriend?" "No!" - you could almost hear some of the listeners' increased interest! I wanted to know how it happened that she'd given up a good job teaching to come and read news on local radio, but all Alice would say was that she had a passion for broadcasting, and who was I to disagree?Milli Jam wanted to know who we'd had staying at the Lodge so we told of the Manhattan Muscle Man and Don Mackay's group from Chitokoloki Mission. "Such VIP's at Chanters" sighed Milli Jam!
Tags: africa, zambia, radioshow, guests, lodge, livingstone
Tuesday 22 April 2008 - 07:07AM (EET)
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Hmmm

2008-06-27T07:10:00.000-07:00

“Jesus never watered down the cost of following Him in hopes that Peter would then choose to follow. If Peter chose the path with Christ, it would mean for Him that one day he would be taken against his will and dragged off to be killed. If he wanted to live a life of love and allegiance to the Christ, it would cost him his life. We too are called to a path filled with uncertainty, mystery and risk…It’s not fair or equitable…when you follow the call, you must recognize that it is a life an death proposition…this is not a cattle call…your life is unique before God, and your path is yours alone…’If I want John to live and you to die, what is that to you, your part is to follow me, My part is to lead the way’ Jesus

Erwin McManus, Barbarian Way

Promoting prayer...:-)

2008-06-23T00:49:00.000-07:00

You don't CNN or BBC or whoever to let you know that the world we live in is pretty messed up; leaders are corrupt, people are dying, entire nations are being destroyed...the wannabe politician in me wants to stand up in front of the world and make a speech that'll change everything!!!...we all know there is no such speech and I would never make it as a politician( my charisma exceeds my political skill!! :-))...and...

...our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms... And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6:12,18...

so please, pray, pray, pray, and pray, and then pray, and pray, and keep on praying, and when you're done, pray some more...pray for people you know and people you don't know, pray for people you like and for those you cannot stand! :-), pray for those you lead and those who lead you, pray with your understanding and pray in the Spirit...

we are in a battle, a battle for souls, a battle that'll determine where people spend eternity, O Lord, give us, a sense of urgency like never before, bring us to our knees and keep us there!!!!!!!!!

I am His Beloved!!!

2008-06-13T01:30:00.000-07:00

HOW HE LOVES

(by John Mark McMillan)

He is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane

I am a tree

Bending beneath

The weight of his wind and mercy

When all of a suddenI am unaware of these

Afflictions eclipsed by glory

And I realize how beautiful you are

And how great your afflictions for me

Oh how he loves us so

Oh how he loves us

How he loves us so

Yea He loves us

Oh how He loves us

We are his portion

And he is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes

If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss

And my heart burns violently inside of my chest

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets

When I think about the way

He loves us

His ways, my ways....

2008-05-30T01:48:00.000-07:00

So since the last time I wrote on here, the Lord has been speaking to me quite a bit about quite a lot, yeah, quite a lot...

Yesterday, I was taking a Bible Class with the amazing Pastor Ron and he was speaking on...yes, authority!, yeah, I know, I had the same reaction!!! :-) I could write a book on why I have struggles with authority and would probably have some good points in there, but as I sat through the class yesterday, I heard some stuff that well, as my friend, Natalie would say, 'smoked me!' :-)...I will share some stuff...

" Jesus chooses to submit the Father! "
I mean if the Lord, Jesus Christ, King of Kings and Lord of Lords with the name above every other name not only in this wold, but also in the one to come!!! (whom by the way I absolutely love!!! :-)), chooses submission, then, yeah, you know what I'm trying to say...

"the attitudes we have towards authority always show the attitude we have toward God." HMMMMM!!!!!!!!!

"Spiritual maturity is often measured on how we react when asked to do something we don't want to do."

"partial obedience is rebellion."

"Obedience is a sacrifice of our human flesh and will to please God"

So, yeah, the class was pretty great, and those 'clips' give just a 'glimpse'.

random picture to keep the attention of those who, like myself, experience minor ADD! :-PMe and Nondumiso, she's great!!!,and I love my green and purple hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess God is continuing to show me that His ways are higher and better;and I have a lot of unlearning and re-learning to do( I don't think I'm alone in this)...you see, I have reasons (that make sense :-)) for the way I think.... One would think that after reading A Tale of Three Kings (one of the best books ever!!!, seriously) I would have this whole submission thing down, but I don't...I've not had the greatest leaders to submit to( my mum is awesome, though!!!!), they've been either passive and couldn't care less, or fake and completely insincere, and this includes Christian leaders (not everyone of course, I have had some amazing leaders, but they are relatively few...) so anyway, I came up with this system of 'figuring it out on my own'. I am pretty pro-active and not a fan of waiting around for silly 'leaders' to get their act together, but wait, another 'clip' form yesterday's class,

"the issue is not whether or not the authority is perfect; the issue is that the authority is God's choice." ooohhh, yeah, again, my ways vs His ways...

I am not at all a pro at the authority thing. I am more naturally rebellious(it just seems more exciting sometimes, I blame Jack Bauer!! :-)). I have a truck load of reasons why I shouldn't 'trust' authorities, I have been known to say, "If you can't take the time to be my 'friend', you have NO business telling me what to do!!!"...but you see that's me, that's 'my ways', and right now I am on this thing where I am hungry for His ways, and ready to let go of my own...It's so cool how He has wooed me to this point. I know(because He has loved me in a way that i have never been loved before, with a perfect, perfect, did I already say perfect love!!!!) that whatever He says is best, I just know...and of course it'll be really hard and crappy sometimes, and I won't always understand(which is not one of my favorite things!),but you see this King has won my heart and greater than every obstacle I am going to face on this 'journey' is the love that I have for Him!!!!!!....a love that makes obedience more than just a sacrifice...

More purple and green hair... :-)

hmmm

2008-05-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's gone
Tomorrow's waiting just ahead
Each one like a bookend
Holding up this moment

Right here is where I am
Where you are
Where we can stay...

As long as we want
As long as we choose
You don't have to say anything
This moment is ours
There's nothing to lose
Don't even think too much

Just inhale...and take it all in...

Why I wake up in the mornings...

2008-05-15T00:36:00.001-07:00

and do what I do...

"For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, and said, "I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in.

Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom.

What's more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it's the same as receiving me." Matthew 18:3-5 (the Message)

Awareness…

2008-05-13T09:49:00.000-07:00

The past few days, well actually the past couple of weeks for me have centered around that word. Things have been brought to me attention, leaving me with the question, “What can I do to help/improve/fix this?” Most of these things are not ‘new’ to me, they have just been brought to my attention in a ‘in your face’ kind of way. It’s like the poor and needy we ‘see’ around us all the time. Well, it would be quite different if one of those ‘poor and needy’ people came to your doorstep and just stood there. I think it would make you ask, “What can I do to help?”

I remember reassign the book “In His Steps” in high school. Pretty much the pastor of a ‘well-to-do’ church challenges people in his congregation to ask in every situation , “What would Jesus do?” and when it is revealed to them what Jesus would’ve done in that particular situation to do just that. The rest of the book is filled with stories of great transformation as individuals choose to walk ‘in His steps!’ I loved that book!! It spoke to the part of me that comes alive in the face of a challenge…I guess right now as I am made keenly aware of certain situations all around me, I should ask, “What would Jesus do?”, and as it is revealed to me what the Lord would do in that particular situation, do just that!...

After standing in line for less than 30 min...

2008-05-12T05:12:00.000-07:00

I got my license card thing, so I'm now a 'legal driver'!!! Those that were with me on 'the road to getting a drivers license' appreciate as much as I do that this is finally done!!!!!!...

oh, yeah and I cut my hair, really short!!!!...check this page in bout a week for the purple and green do!!!...thanks Shelly! :-)...

He loves me!!!

2008-05-05T07:12:00.000-07:00

“To You I give my life, not just the parts I want to
To You I sacrifice these dreams that I hold on to
Your thoughts are higher than mine…” Jason Upton

The past couple months the Lord and I have been on this journey of ‘release’. I thought I had released all there was to release, but I was quite mistaken!! He has used various things to bring me to the place where I once again can say,

“To you I give my future, as long as it may last…This is no sacrifice, here’s my life!!” Jason Upton...

...went out to one of the care points where we will be starting a new Mission of Mercy care point. We have two care points for which we have to do profiles through May and June. For those who may not know, this means that for the next two months I will pretty much have no social life whatsoever!! :-) The whole process of getting all this information from 300 children, organizing it, sending it to the US, etc can be quite hectic, and being the driven person that I am I can sometimes get carried away with ‘deadlines’ etc. Anyway, to day we went out to one of the new care points o do some set up stuff before we start doing new profiles. It was pretty chilled out and I got to hang with the kids and just look into their faces without the pressure of having to get all this information and get blah blah blah done!!! It was so refreshing… I needed it…here are some pics:…

Me and Banele, we got to hag out a little:

The kids singing…and the beautiful view behind them:

Loving candles, feeling fires... :-)

2008-05-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

Let's just take a moment and talk about the goodness of God, I would like to... He is the perfect Father, Friend, and Lover of our souls.These are not just terms we use, they are truth, the truth about our God, my God.

He is the perfect Father- He gives good gifts(and doesn't take them back), He protects, guides and provides for His children (you and me), He disciplines and rebukes us as needed, He loves us!!!!!

He is the perfect Friend- He cares about EVERYTHING that concerns us. He wants to hear the details of our day, the fun, sad, and silly stories, He wants to laugh with us and cry with us. He wants to share His heart with us. He loves us UNCONDITIONALLY

He is the perfect Lover of our souls- He is absolutely, madly in love with you, with me!!He just wants you.He will not stop pursuing us. He is captivated by us, yes captivated by you!!!!! He wants you, you, you, not what you have to offer, not your gifts and talents, and ideas, He wants to love you like you've never been loved before. He sings over you, over me...He says about you, "All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you." Song of Songs 4:7. Like I said, He is madly in love with you, with me!!!!

When I move to Joburg... :-)

2008-05-02T03:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, so Jacci, Natalie, Julia and I went to Joburg for a couple days this past week...let me just start by saying that God and I are doing this thing or rather He is doing this thing right now where He is teaching me His ways and in the process getting rid of my messed up ways that i have thought were just fine...

ok, so Joburg it was so much fun, time out with the girls always is! :-) I didn't do much shopping, but did help Jacci get stuff for her house(and we found the best pillow ever! :-), and while trying on stuff for fun in Truworths :-) I found the cutest dress and jacket ever, seriously, so so cute, I am planning on going to Truworths and picking it up some time soon!!!...we totally met some really cool people most of who were Zambian (what can I say! :-)), there was Carol at the Christian bookstore, Patu, Brian( yeah Brian!! ;-)), and then really amazing Patty at Mug and Bean. She's Zimbabwean, she has a son and also lives with her younger brother. Her mother past away last month. She looked about my age. She was the sweetest girl! She told us how she loves the Lord and how He sustains her and stuff. We got her number and I'm sure we will become good friends...I just loved all the random people we met.- the non Christians and how we were able to share Christ with them; the believers and how they breathed life into us and us into them even if it was only for a couple minutes. It was just really good and refreshing...

I once again am thankful for the continuous work of my loving Heavenly father in mu life. I had a blast in Joburg because I had some awesome friends that He has so graciously provided...I kind of feel blah today(long story....), but I continue to be thankful for His goodness, He is good, He is good, He is good...

Oh, yeah the Joburg police were absolutely amazing, I'm talking 5 minutes and we were done with business. I love efficeincy!! I mean seriously, when I move to Joburg...:-)

random mandatory picture: Wentworth Miller is still hot!! :-)

I like to write when I 'm all emotional like this! :-)...

2008-04-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

...but I'm so emotional I might end up being too personal which those of you who know me know I am totally capable of!!! :-) so I'll post some pics of my favorite girl in the whole world, Dudu...

Isn't she just soooooo cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yep, still so cute!!!:-)
This is one of the reasons why I love this girl; she so reminds me of myself. There's me so excited to be with her and she's totally looking away!! Kind of like me and Jesus sometimes...

Ok, looks like we're improving on the relationship, she will at least now look into the camera, well she's facing forward!! :-)
Here she is with some friends, sitll so cute!!!!!! :-) I love this little girl so so so much!!!

A fun night and an ncriminating picture of Daran :-)

2008-04-16T23:51:00.000-07:00

Some of you might now of my secret (well not really secret) desire to be famous one day (I will use my fame for good& adopt a lot of children:-)). Well, I have been teaching this girl, Nqobi, guitar (actually we’ve only had one lesson so far! J…and we started like a month ago!!) Here’s me and Nqobi:

She works for this company that is doing the admin for the Entrepreneur of The Year Awards. Last night was the launch dinner, and Nqobi had asked me if I would like to perform at the dinner and how much I charge to which I thought, “charge???” (about a week ago) So I asked Daran (cause he seemed like businessmanJ) what he thought I should charge. He gave me a number to call (well actually I got the number from Teresa, Daran’s wifeJ) and was also nice enough to correct my mispronunciation of the word, ‘entrepreneur’. J Here’s a pic of Daran:

So anyway, I was eventually asked to write a song for the event which I first performed for my friends Jacci, Natalie, Gabby, Joelle, Danielle, and Nathaniel who were all so encouraging and said they loved it. Some of you now that one of my love languages is word of affirmation so their very encouraging words totally helped pump me up& take away some of my nervousness…”Thanks, friends!!!”

I was still kind of nervous about this whole thing. It was my first ‘real’ public performance (not at church) by myself. The event was by invitation only and I couldn’t have my lovely friends come and make funny faces at me while I performed! J So, I started asking people to pray. At first I just did it cause that’s what you do, but then I started realizing just how much of a difference prayer makes (thank you Frank Perretti for writing, “Piercing The Darkness!! J) I asked some awesome people to pray for me and they did and the performance was a blast. I had do much fun doing it, and got lots of compliments( filling up my love tank J) Thank you amazing friends for your prayers, thank you Jesus for loving me so!!!!!...so even though I love to perform and have performed before I was always get stage fright. My heart starts to beat really fast and I feel like if I don’t BREATHE I’ll faint. I felt this way before my performance last night, but then I started to well first of all, breathe J, but I also just started saying(under my breathe so as not to creep out everyone at my table)’ Peace of Jesus’ over and over again. He gave me peace and like I already said I had so much fun. So, again, thanks for praying friends!!!!

Ok, pics from the night

This is me practicing in the living room a few minutes before I had to leave.

This is me and the best little sister ever who totally helped pack my purse before I had to leave. I love you Tamara!!!

This is me and Khosi, I think was her name, one of the models. I had been sitting by myself playing sudoku( I know I’m a nerd J, and finally decided to stop being a loser so I chatted with the girls who were doing the modeling for the evening.

More modelsJ

I sent the following sms to Becca concerning the beginning of my evening.”…I’ve taken a picture with a strange man, had a strange man compliment my dress, & taken pics with some models” :-)

The room:

The banner:

Me J in my favorite dress ever for two reasons: 1. it’s pretty cute! And 2. I totally bought on sale for R40(less than $10). I love a good bargain!!!!! J

Me and this poet guy who was like, “Hey can you play while I recite my poem?” J

Yay for a fun night!!!!!!!!!!!!!

uhhh nothing's coming to me...

2008-04-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

An amazing past couple of weeks as God continues to show His goodness. I have so many blogs I need to write!! Getting settled back into the office after lots non office stuff the past couple weeks so I don't really have time which irks me because I want so much to share all the crazy wonderful events of the past few week...in time...

I love You, Lord, You are my first love, the best ever!!!!!!!!

random pic:
my lovely friends from Zimbabwe dressed in Swazi traditional attire (just a reminder that Zimbabweans are pretty cool with Zambians as the only people cooler than them :-))

Tantrum??

2008-04-03T01:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I have a choice to make right now: I could choose to throw a tantrum concerning a situation about which I am upset or I could talk about all of the amazing things God has been doing the past few days. I pick b! J

So God started by doing some serious stripping for a while. The past two weeks or so was all about stripping and removing layers and breaking and all those really hard lessons, but it was so so so( I cannot say enough sos!!! J) worth it. The past four or so days, God has been doing some covering, some clothing, some remolding. He tells us to take off the sinful nature so we can put on righteousness. We ‘take off’ not so we can be exposed and vulnerable, but so that He can cover us with the only thing that can truly keep us safe- Himself…One thing this has reminded me of is the fact that there is so much growing to be done, so much more to learn, the cool thing is that the Teacher is also my Father!!!...less of me, more of Him, less striving more loving, less ‘rules’, more love…maturity…

We had the team from Children’s Cup/Healing Place here for a few days. I loved getting to spend some time with them, and hearing them share their hearts, and realizing that I really can dance!!! J. It kind of made me homesick, though, for the motherland- Zambia L…I am so planning a trip to Zambia (through Zimbabwe of course!!! :-))…

We have been doing Mission of Mercy training for the new MoM Community Field Reps. It’s been pretty hectic, but so great to think about how much more help we will have!! I will post pics and stuff on that soon. Ok, off to bed…

Oh yeah, random picture, oh and I absolutely love and am thankful for my family, and I feel really emotional right now which is why I should got bed so off to bed I go …

Seriously, its' so about time!!! :-)

2008-03-06T00:44:00.002-08:00

Some amazing people...

This is Tanele and her two little brothers. She is about 7 years old. She carries her baby brother on her back all day!! She also wears a huge smile on her face all day!!
This is Lindo. She is so so cute!!! She's writing, well trying :-), to write a letter to her sponsor...
These are Lindo's feet. She walked barefoot to the care point in the rain so she could write a letter to her sponsor...

This is Gugulethu sawing wood with her little baby on her back. Her name means 'our treasure'.She really is a treasure. Gugulethu lost her baby a little while back...

This is Lindiwe(on the left). She is one of the most amazing people I know. She is a teacher at our largest care point and serves over 300 children everyday with all her heart not so men can see and reward her( a lot of people don't see or take her for granted) but out of a heart filled with His love and joy!!!

There are several other things I could be doing with my life right now. There are many days when I have questions, doubts about where I am and what my life is 'supposed to' look like. Today, though, right now, I feel privileged to be in a place where I can rub shoulders with the likes of Tanele, Lindo, Gugulethu, and Lindiwe. I am blessed to call them friends and even learn a thing or two from them about what it means to love Jesus and to be loved by Him!!!

la la la :-)

2008-02-08T05:49:00.000-08:00

“From one man He made every nation of men that they should inhabit the earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us. ‘We are His offspring.’ “

Acts 17:26-28

Some of you know how I often struggle with wondering where I belong? I just feel that I don't fit in, anywhere!!! Each time we've gone to Zambia(where I'm originally from) I've been told I speak Nyanja (my Zambian vernacular) with an accent, and that I'm now 'Swazi'. And yet in Swaziland I have constant reminders that I am not Swazi -from people's 'innocent' comments to stupid government offices(don't even get me started on that!!!! :-)). I have a lot of American friends( my brothers constantly make fun of me for being a 'Bush lover', again that's a topic for another day... :-)), and I love them to death and am so thankful for them. They joke about me being half-American, but I'm not( I am pretty much banned from applying for an American visa until 2010!! but let's not get into that!!!!!!!)...I have questioned God often- Why did you bring me to live in a foreign country? (I didn't choose to live here; my parents brought me here when I was too young to have any say!), and why did you keep me here?I want to be Zambian, but I didn't grow up there, I don't live there, and my parents never took us to visit often enough for me to 'keep in touch' with all that's going on there...I am in Swaziland...there are several benefits to being a 'foreigner'. I am such a better person because of it an I love that, but I still have asked God why I cant' just be in a place with people like me, a place where I 'belong'?

I read that verse above just now, and He answered me. Why? So that you would seek me. I know God has ordained every day of my life, in my head, I know, but just now, He spoke to my heart- everything concerning me, every decision He has made concerning my life, He has made because He loves me and He wants nothing more than for me to love Him back!!! i am a Zambian living in Swaziland with a lot of American friends :-) because He wants me to seek Him, to want Him; He is pursuing me, again, I am worth pursuing!!! He is good!!! I am in awe....

2008-02-04T22:32:00.000-08:00

Adventures are generally more interesting than fairy tales. They introduce us to travelers; pilgrims rather than princes and princesses- real life men and women, boys and girls. We meet people to who we can relate- people just like us. They fight battles and don’t always win. They’re not always strong or pretty. They don’t always live happily ever after. They cry real tears; they feel very real pain. These are not heroes lifted high above so we can admire them from afar; they are our brothers and sisters, our neighbors, our friends. We don’t look from afar and wish we could be like them. We stand beside them; walk with them through their joys and sorrows; learn from their successes and mistakes. After we have been with them a while, we realize that we are changed for the better. We realize that we have been inspired, not by ‘great and mighty’ deeds, but by ‘little’ acts of kindness and timely words of wisdom and are better now that when the adventure begun.

I love fairy tales. I have a copy of the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack. :-) I have indulged in a good amount of chick flicks!! But there are few things I love more than taking the journey with Sam and Frodo all the way from the peaceful, safe Shire through dangerous and strange places all the way to Mordo, the most evil place. Something stirs inside of me when Frodo, at the end of the Fellowship of The Ring says to Sam, “I’m glad you’re with me, Sam.” Something in me comes alive as I watch Boromir (who just previously failed the ‘test’ and gave in the evil of the ring) fight with all his might to save two little hobbits (his friends) and is killed as a result. I watch with excitement and expectancy as Erwin chooses mortality so that she can be with the one she loves (even though she is uncertain of what their future holds). And I breathe out, greatly relieved as Sam and Frodo sit on a rock in Mordor, the ring destroyed the battle won, but not without much sacrifice- tears shed, blood spilled, real pain, very real heartache!!!

There are many times when I want life to be fairy tale. I want to magically ‘fix’ everything that’s broken. I want to make is so we all ‘live happily ever after’. I want it so that there is no pain no sacrifice and not just for my sake, but especially for the sake of those I love and care about, some really close to me, others not so close, but close enough that I care. I am slowly learning that pain, sacrifice, and tears are not fun, but they are the stuff that adventures are made up of, and that’s what life is- an adventure. From Genesis to Revelation, we read about the adventure called life. God is not a hero, above beyond reach; no! He is right beside us, experiencing life with us. He doesn’t have to, He chooses to because He loves us. He says to us,

“My lover spoke and said to me,
‘Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
The season of singing has come…
Arise, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.’”
Song of Songs 2:10-13

Yes, God is a romantic!!! He pursues us, yes, we are worth pursuing, so worth pursuing!!!!

7 more days!!!

2008-01-28T01:23:00.000-08:00

The Spirit of Wisdom and Revelation

This is the topic of one of 3 essays that is due of the Bible class that I’m taking. As I was typing the essay I was struck by something.

Ephesians 1:17“I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ…may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.”(Paul’s prayer for the believers at Ephesus)

Isaiah 11:2“The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him- the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and power, The Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Lord-“(a prophecy about the Lord, Jesus)

Revelation 4:5 “…Before the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits of God.” (John’s vision of the throne of God)

. In all of the above Scriptures, we read about seven spirits and are told about those seven spirits are. (This is not a big theological something, I promise!! Jgave up on big theological ‘somethings’ a while back and am more into falling in love with the King who relentlessly pursues me!!!) Back to what I was saying. The thing that struck me about these Scriptures is the unity of God. He blends everything and everyone together in a way that is beautiful, right and pleasing to Him. The different, ‘spirits or anointing’ mentioned above work together in perfect and beautiful unity; the Father, Son, and Spirit dwell together and work together; the Lord Jesus prayed that we, His disciples would be one just as He and the Father are one. ..God delights in unity; not in holding hands because someone told us to, but in dwelling together, loving, living working in a beautiful harmony that reflects Him and allows Him to do His work. Unity isn’t this cheesy, fake thing; no its’ a powerful, beautiful, very God-like thing that I am just beginning to learn about….and so ready to learn so much more about…

Psalm 133

“How good and pleasant it is

when brothers live together in unity!

It is like precious oil poured on the head,

running down on Aaron’s beard,

down upon the collar of his robes.

It is as if the dew Hermon were falling on Mount Zion.

For there the Lord bestows his blessing,

even life forevermore.”

*random mandatory picture :-)...forgot to include one in my previous blog :-)

2008-01-24T05:17:00.003-08:00

" To starve is to feast, less of me, is more of You. Lord I want it all!!!!!"
Shane and Shane

9 days until Prison Break!!!...Mr. Miller!!! :-)

2008-01-23T07:14:00.000-08:00

New Year’s resolutions:

Remind myself that I’m not the Savior of the world, Jesus is!!
Leave work by 5.
Post a picture with every blog I post. :-)

Dancing Queen :-)

2008-01-16T06:58:00.000-08:00

I started off the year not really sure what lay ahead...I ended up spending a lot of time here... :-)
I did a lot of profiles!!!
and community meetings...
and more profiles...
but all that work was worth it for moments like these...

and of course it wasn't always work, there was a lot of play!! :-)

no comment :-)...

I like birthdays! ;-)...
I love great friends!!...

The year would just not have been the same without moments like this!!...

And of course the infamous nose ring drama!! :-)

Pics to follow...soon :-)

2007-12-28T01:55:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe the year is almost over!!! Seriously, it seems like days ago I was saying the same thing about 06!! But, again, I am in awe of God’s amazing grace that has allowed me to learn and to grow; to know and love Him more; to be more like Him…one thing I am sure of, maybe the only thing, is that His love endures forever- He is my Lover and I am His beloved; nothing else matters!!!... 2006 brought much transition; it was an exciting year filled with hope and anticipation…2007 has brought change, so much change!!!! There were several times I felt that I had had enough, I couldn’t take anymore( as much as I like to change my hair style& colors often, I rather like other things in my life to be pretty constant J). I have been angry several times at God and at people….He has taken my anger and filled those places of my heart with His love; it’s so much ‘easier’ to love than to be angry!! He has rekindled old dreams and passions; He has walked with me through the change and brought me out on the other side hopeful, excited, ready for more… As much as this year has so flown by, it has been so full; so much has happen, so much has been lost and so much gained, seriously it’s felt like 10 years in some ways!! J I have always been a planner; I like things, esp. my life, to be organized. I like explanations, answers, logic. As I grow older I am learning the beauty of letting go- not so my life can be out of control- but rather so it can be in the control of the only One who really has everything under His control, the One who has the whole world in His hands…I wrote these words about 4 years ago, but I think only now am I beginning to really grasp what they truly mean…

I want to be where You are
I want to stand in the midst of Your presence
Always near never far
Serving You Lord in reverence
I want to be
I want to be
Where You are

Wherever You lead me
Whatever You ask
Wherever You send me
Whatever the task
Things that make me cry
Things that make me smile
Anything anywhere
I just want to be where You are…

*One of the amazing blessings God has given me this year is the gift of friendships… great friendships…thank you to all of the amazing people that have allowed God to use them in my life…I can’t wait for heaven when we can all be together always, when no one ever has to leave…

Where Are You Christmas?? :-)

2007-12-22T00:46:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!! Watch as many Christmas movies as you can, sing( or maybe just listen to :0)) as many Christmas songs as you can, eat, eat,and eat...celebrate Jesus' birth like it means something to you!!!! :-)

How deep the Father's love for us...

2007-12-11T08:10:00.000-08:00

how vast beyond all measure!!!!

The past week has been a hectic series of days with sooooo much to get done and seemingly too little time :-(…pretty much I have been feeling really overwhelmed!! On Friday, I heard that my grandfather had passed away. The last time I saw him was in 2005(which was the last time I went to Zambia where he was living and where I’m originally from). I have awesome memories of him giving me the biggest hugs and spinning me around whenever I was little and him giving us so much bubble gum from his grocery store that our mouths hurt from chewing it :-)…he was a great grandfather (but after moving to Swaziland over 15 years ago and only having visited Zambia about 4 times since then we weren’t really close and he was really old so I was kind of prepared). My mum, on the other hand (this was her dad), took it really heard. Seeing her in all that pain was not at all fun!!! I was very concerned for her and worried that I would not be able to give her the love and comfort she needed (since I am the only one God has chosen to do this:-))…it’s been 3 days and I am in awe of God’s goodness!!! He has totally provided the comfort and support my mum needed through friends, workmates and family. I have watched love in action and it’s such a beautiful thing!! I was thinking as we were picking up my mum from a friends house ( a friend of hers who had offered to make her an outfit for her the funeral and has just been such a great help and encouragement) what my grandfather would be thinking as he watched his baby all grown up…he would be so proud of the life she has led and the friendships she has made( friendships that come through during hard times), he was proud of her and I am too!! I am so thankful for the way in which my Heavenly father took this ‘sad thing’ and used it to rekindle in me faith in humanity (for lack of better words:-)). Watching my mother’s friends love and support her through this touched me so much more than I thought it would, not just because I hurt as she was hurting but more because I had allowed the ‘bad things’ in life to make me negative (pretty much expecting nothing good from people, rather be surprised than disappointed- ok maybe I’m exaggerating, but really I didn’t realize how negative I had become!) My grandfather died and God showed me the beauty of Hs love at work in His people and a part of me that had ‘died’ was resurrected. It’s a pretty cool experience…thank you Father…and thank you to everyone that prayed with me, for me!!

time for a new post :-)

2007-12-03T07:48:00.000-08:00

I would like to say just how proud I am of my little brother, Peter. He won awards for excellence in Math and Science, Cricketer of the year, and he also won this award called the CDC award. It’s the Character Discipline Courtesy award and is given to the student who displays character traits that are ‘rare in today’s society’. I was so freaking proud of him!!! I was totally the embarrassing big sister and cheered really loudly (pretty much screamed) when his name was called out. :-) I love being a big sister!!

…so, I went to the Speech and Prize giving day with my little sister, Tamara (who is 17). She went to the table that had the pile of programs to get one and was told that they’re only for adults. So, she came to me and asked that I, the adult, go and get a program. I walked up to the table and said, “Could I please have a program?”

The lady responded, “How old are you?”

I exercised much self-control, and calmly replied, “24”

She said, “The programs are only for adults”

This time I thought I would blow up, but again, somehow managed to calmly reply, “I am an adult”

I mean, if I’m going to lie about my age, I’m not going to do it for a stupid program!!!agghhh!!!...anyway…

The story doesn’t end here…the guest speaker for the Speech and prize-giving day was the US ambassador, and all of the grade 7s( my brother included) all got certificates singed by Bush, yes, US president George W. Bush!!! So that was pretty cool? Weird? Random?...and then later on that night I went to a fireworks show thing with some friends( my parents also attended, but we traveled separately). It was in Manzini( a city that I am absolutely petrified of- well I guess that’s an exaggeration- but, really, I will not carry bag when in Manzini, all my valuables are safely put away in my pockets, but this time I went to Manzini, at night, mind you, and it was actually fun…until it started to get hectic and my dad’s phone got stolen!!...but the night was still young and there was more fun to be had. We all went to my friend, Jacci’s house and played Dutch blitz and I totally beat everyone!!! Yes, I love winning!!! :-)

On a serious note, God has been absolutely amazing the past few days. He has shown His love and grace to me. I had this habit that I feel like I have been struggling with forever and I just couldn’t figure out how to stop it. The other day, I cried out to Him, and just let Him know honestly how I felt. His response: He just held me and loved me. He let me know He loved me, and I just cried because even though I know God loves me unconditionally, I am always taken aback when I experience this amazing love He has for me. This morning during our devotion, my friend Jacci talked about the names of God. One of the names that stood out to me was Jehovah Shammah- The Lord is There. There have been many times the past year when He has let me know just that- that He is there, He is here right next to me, and nothing else matters, every obstacle, habit, trial is insignificant because He is there!!!

A reaaly insightful devotional

2007-11-21T00:40:00.000-08:00

This is day 30 of a devotional I'm receiving from www.secretbelievers.org.
I thought it was really good, good enough to share ;-)

"He prayed to the Lord, 'O Lord, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity'" (Jonah 4:2).

Jonah preached judgment to Nineveh. We love to condemn our enemies. Isn't that why there is so much war? We are determined to fight God's wars and we're always so sure that God is on our side.

We're not so sure that we're on God's side. If we were, if we truly agreed with God, we would be witnesses to all the world for Jesus Christ.

Jonah suspected all along what God would do with Nineveh. He knew in Jonah 1:1 when the Word of the Lord came to him. That's why he ran away from God. Jonah knew that if he preached the word of God, Nineveh would repent. Then God would be gracious and He would forgive.

He will do the same for you - if you repent and turn from sin.

How did Jo nah know? It was in his Bible. Jonah's prayer sounds amazingly similar to the revelation of God to Moses in Exodus 34:6-7. Jonah knew about God because he knew God's Book.

If we know God and love God, then we will...
know His Book,
love His Book,
obey His Book.

Jonah knew the book, but he still argued with God. Obedience is not automatic. We need to strive to understand God and His Book. The amazing thing is that God is so patient with Jonah. He even answers Jonah.

Jonah can argue with God and God doesn't condemn him.

I 'm sorry it's so long!:-)

2007-11-14T05:25:00.000-08:00

Acts 3 records a story most of us are familiar with- Peter and John and the crippled man, “Silver and gold have I not…” So, yesterday on my way home from work (by the way my trip home through the infamous bus rank is rather interesting and deserves a blog which is due soon :-)), anyway, on my way home from work I stopped to get something to eat cause I feeling really overwhelmed and just needed some food to make it all better.:-) After getting a KFC twister and some chips (fries) I went to the bus rank and got on a kombi (minibus/van). As I sat down and reached for my chips, I noticed this boy sitting right opposite me. His face just said it all. My heart was broken, and I felt like a jerk eating my chips in front of him so I decided to give them to him. He reached out his hands and gratefully received them. I watched him eating ( not in a creepy, stalker kind of way:-)) and wondered what his story was. When it was time for everyone to pay the fare, I asked him how much he had to pay and I paid it for him. I still couldn’t take my mind off of him so I started to pray for him. As I prayed I thought of conversations I’ve had with friends about how overwhelming it can get as you live amongst people that are so needy. Once you choose to open your eyes, you see the need all around you and it can overwhelm you. I am not rich. I have had many days when I have wished I had this or that, but I have also had many days where I have thought, “Maybe if I give away all my clothes or all the money I have I can help make a dent in this huge, overwhelming problem”. There are days when I think I’m close to ‘poor’ and there are other days when I feel uncomfortably ‘rich’. All of this has led me to the realization that it’s not about rich or poor. I can give away my chips or money, I can be given this or that, but that’s not what it’s about. As I prayed for that boy, I realized that the most precious gift that I have to give him is my prayers, my prayers for God to be His all. What has sustained me in my times of plenty/ needed? Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!!” I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation…I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:12-13 When I think about meeting the physical need around me, I am overwhelmed and feel a sense of hopelessness, but when I realize that there is a spiritual need that the God of heaven and earth desires to fill, I feel a sense of freedom and excitement. There is a solution, there is hope- Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!!! I prayed for that boy and I know He is in Good Hands- with or without my chips. :-)

Also, if you think about it, please pray for me. I am really having a hard time. I don’t know what the reason for this is. I know Satan is trying to distract me. I want to be offensive and not let him have his way. I just feel so weak. All I want to do is go to my little corner and cry! I just miss Kristen a lot and feel so detached and I don’t know really, I just am having a really hard time. I have great friends here that have been amazing and that I thank God for everyday, but it’s still hard. I just really need and would greatly appreciate spiritual support right now. I feel so vulnerable. Please also pray for everyone working with Children’s cup and people in ministry everywhere...Ephesians 6:18-20

International Day of Prayer

2007-11-08T06:24:00.000-08:00

International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted World

- IDOP

www.idop.org

--- other cool sites
> love muslims thru prayer
> about islam
> interactive flash
> pray for kuwait
> mission china.de
> bible gems

Who You Are

2007-11-06T01:26:00.000-08:00

Who You Are- Desperation Band

I won't be satisfied
I wont be found alright til I find
who You are
I'd climb every mountain
I'd travel the deepest valley
to find who You are

You, You cause the lame to walk
You open lips to talk
You're everything and that
is who You are
You, You calm the storms at night
You turn the dark to light
You're everything and that
is who You are

You, You cause the lame to walk
You open lips to talk
You're everything and that
is who You are
You, You calm the storms at night
You turn the dark to light
You're everything and that
is who You are

That is who You are

My savior
my healer
redeemer
that is who You are
creator
my maker
my father
that is who You are

That is who You are

:-(

2007-11-02T07:45:00.000-07:00

You know those days when it seems like everything’s going wrong. It’s not even the big things. It’s little things like your cell phone buttons freezing just before your friends from the States calls so you can’t answer your phone, but you see it ringing and you’ve been wanting all day to talk to her because your day was kind of stressful and you were looking forward to a good conversation with a good friend that you really miss. Or you call to make an appointment for your drivers’ license test and you get hit on by the traffic policeman who is married!!!! And then you ask your dad to drop off some stuff for you so you can confirm your booking for the test because you won’t be able to do it yourself in time, and you give him all the information and even go through it twice then he calls to tell you he doesn’t have all the papers because he forgot what it was you said he needed to take with him.

So you hold yourself back from screaming in utter frustration and despair because you’re just so tired and overwhelmed and all you wanted was for these ‘little’ things to work out. And then tears well up, but you hold them back cause you’re in the office and you don’t want to break out into a weeping session in front of everyone, but you really just need and want to cry and cry about so many things, more than just these ‘little’ things that were the trigger. And you wish your friend whose call you missed because your phone wasn’t working was here so you cry out, “O Lord, please just hold me. Please, just hold me!!!!”

Random...

2007-10-31T04:35:00.000-07:00

Ok, first of all, I know I am a nerd for doing this, but whatever...I have to say that I am so excited about my performance in my first exam (I'm taking a Bible class towards a Theology degree)- I totally scored above 90% in both my 20 page essay as well as my 200 question exam!!! Yay, yay, yay!! Yes, I was one of those students that loved being teacher's pet. I wasn't a nerd, though, and I did have friends.:-)...

On a more serious note, God has been calling me to Himself more and more. He is jealous for me, He wants me for Himself, all of me. " Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all yours soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." Mark 12:29-30 ...God doesn't want to compete with anyone/anything. He alone is God, only He is God,and He wants all of me...

"You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near..."

Stand and Sing of Zambia, proud and free... :-)

2007-10-25T03:55:00.000-07:00

It’s supposed to be summer, you know blazing hot, humid, etc, but then it’s not. It’s cold and rainy, and I wish I were at home by a fireplace drinking hot chocolate and watching the Notebook! Instead, I am the Children’s Cup office trying to work and not miss Kristen so much. :-( So to cheer myself up I am going to write about a couple rather ‘silly’ moments I’ve had.

First story:

A day or so ago, Julia, Mary and I were at the Roger’s gate needing to get in. We had no power…long story… and had asked Roger who was house-sitting for the Rogers if we could go there to shower and stuff. I said to Julia and Mary as I held the keys in my hand, “I think we should just go in through the little gate since there’s no one inside to open the big gate for us (it’s electric), and we can just park outside.” As I was walking out of the car, Julia said, “Hey, why don’t you go inside and then you can open the gate for us.”

I thought, “Oh, yeah, duh!”

Julia continued, “Check and see if the keys you’re holding have a little button on them.”

I checked, and sure enough, there was a little button.

Julia asked, “Isn’t that the gate opener?”!!!

Second story:

A week or so back, Mary and I were walking home. It was kind of dark, well really dark (don’t tell my mum I was walking in the dark, she will not be happy!!:-)). So, anyway, as we were walking, we heard these dogs barking. They sounded pretty fierce. I told Mary they were inside the gate and we would be fine. She didn’t believe me. Eventually, I remembered I had a flashlight in my bag so I got it out. I hadn’t used this flashlight before so I tried to figure out how to turn it on and stuff. I pressed a button and some liquid stuff spilled out. I freaked out and said, Oh, no!! This must be the fuel for the flashlight and now it’s going to blow!” So, I threw it away. Meanwhile, Mary, who all this time had been standing by in silence says, “Did you get that from Kristen?”

I answered, “Yes I did”

She continued, “I think that was pepper spray!”

30 days...

2007-10-17T00:36:00.000-07:00

I’ve been on this fast (from the internet) for 4 days now. Feels like 4 months! JI wrote some stuff already, but can’t find where I saved it!! Well, maybe it’ll show up.

Found it!! :

Day 2
Had a great prayer time over Swaziland with Becca. God helped change some of my current perspectives

Day 3
Had my first SiSwati lesson (teaching) with this couple form Belgium. It was pretty cool. My dad sat in (he had to drive me and then decided to just wait). He said I’m a great teacher. That meant a lot to me!!! Oh, yeah, I drove. It was good. I think I’m ready for my license. Really, I need to get it soon…

Day 4
Today. Bible Study was good. Beth Moore is awesome! Had a rather rough afternoon…people complications, hate it! Haven’ t checked facebook/ myspace and the rest. Haven’ t replied to emails. Thank You, Lord, for what You are teaching me- to find my satisfaction in You, to receive my applause from You, to be complete in You!!

Day 6
We said good bye to Charles today.:-( The sad face in not at all an adequate description of my emotions!! I only have a month with Kristen…
Old dreams being revived…it’s weird and cool how God works in our pain…

Day 9
I am so agitated/ irritable right now. I need to read my Bible. J No, seriously, I need to look to Him for comfort and direction…“Troubles are the earthly gymnasium that exercises our heavenly faith. In the crucible of adversity, God is looking for faith in His goodness, sovereignty, plan, love, and grace. “
Charles Stanley

“An implicit faith is not blind faith. It is faith with vision, a vision enlightened by knowledge of the character of God. God deserves to be trusted. He merits our trust in Him. “
R.C. Sproul

Day 12

Today’s a hard day…I just want t cry. I can find so much to cry about. I just feel on the verge of tears and don’t want to keep them in. There is so much good, so much to be thankful for, I know!! I just feel this sorrow and heaviness and all I want to do is weep…maybe its’ just pms. J I’m reading through the Gospels, started with Matthew. It’s amazing to watch the sovereignty of God as I read through the genealogy of Christ- 42 generations, all kinds of crazy stories, characters that were less than perfect, and He worked it all out!!. I am comforted by His awesome sovereignty. I remember a time when I almost resented Him for it, and now it is one of the most beautiful things to me, such a comfort to me!! He tells us to rejoice through trials, to be thankful in all situations, yes, even sucky days like today. The other day I was reading about how implicit faith is, “faith with a vision…enlightened by knowledge of the character of God.” Even though I am only 25 , I myself experienced or seen other people experience a lot of really terrible situations, and in all of that I have learned to trust the goodness of God. I don’t trust Him because I have to. I don’t choose joy just because I am commanded to. I really believe that He is good and I can rejoice in Him…always!! Watching Him work in the midst of trials in my or other people’s lives has given me great confidence in the great goodness and unfailing love. I can honestly say, “I trust Him”.

Day 13

I feel weird. I feel like I could say anything to anyone, like I might just blurt out whatever I’m feeling/thinking at that moment whether or not it’s appropriate…hmm…

”what can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. O, precious, is the flow that makes me white as snow. No other fount I know- nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

Day 17 (Tuesday 2/10)

The other day Kristen, Mary and I were watching Dream Girls. After it was done, we all just sat on the couch and wept- had nothing to do with the movie, of course. I know God is doing some amazing things through all of this. There are days when I am ready to embrace change, and there are days when all I can do is not cuss!! J …reading more of Matthew. It’s cool to see how Jesus was not born into royalty or anything, and yet, even when He was just a baby, Wise Men brought Him gifts and shepherds came to worship Him. It’s just an encouraging reminder that God’s plan for our lives is in spite of our circumstances/environment/upbringing, etc.

Day 23

Had an amazing time with some amazing women and my good friend, Beth Moore. J …some amazing lessons on love, some fun times with friends, some re-fanning of old passions…
Dudu laughed today!! I was making funny faces and she laughed (out loud!!) It was great!!

Day 24 (9 October)

…yes I cried out to my God for help. He heard me from His sanctuary; my cry reached His ears,…He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep waters…God’s way is perfect…He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain height. He trains me for battle; He strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow. You have given me Your shield of victory; Your help has made me great. You have made a wide path for my feet to keep me from slipping… For this, O Lord, I will praise You among the nations; I will sing praises to Your name!!!... Thank you, awesome Crystal Mazucca for this ‘devotional’…you are missed!!!

I’m beginning to hear
The angels cry holy
A love song, O God, rising in me
And I’m surrounded by You
Here in your glory
A love song, O God, rising in me

I wanna be romanced
By the King of the Ages
I don’t wanna sing of a passion I’ve never known
I wanna get lost in the beauty of Jesus
To dance through the night
Around Your throne

So dance with me

Day 27 (12 October)- Didn’t think I’d make it this farJ

I keep getting these reminders of how fragile life on earth is, how everything we do must ultimately be about eternity…

He loves me, He loves me, He loves me!!!! His love is unconditional, unfailing, unchanging. His love is perfect and it’s for me, today, right now, everyday!!!...

I live Dudu (the little girl at one of our Care Points). I just want so badly for her to know God’s love for her. I want her to live the life God planned for her. Every time I ‘m at the Care Point, I just want to hold her and pray and sing over her. Every time, I’m in a store I want to buy something for her. I just really really live her. Someone talked about how God gives us a glimpse of His love and allows us to have something to ‘compare’ His love to. The love He has given me for Dudu reminds me of how much He loves me, how He’s crazy about me- thinking of me every moment, delighting in me!! Thank You, Lord!!!...

The crazy week begins- extreme busyness mixed with a very painful goodbye. Jesus, hold me close, and please let me feel you, please let me feel you!!!!

Day 30 (15 October 2007)

So I guess this is the last day of my fast…the other night I was watching the documentary “Invisible Children”. I wept through the whole thing. My heart was so broken for these kids and all I wanted to do was reach through the screen, hold them and tell them how much Jesus loves them. This little boy was asked about his older brother that had been killed. He just started to weep. It broke my heart!!! O, God keep my heart broken, keep breaking my heart. O God, may I never ever become immune to pain and hurt, and may I never become too comfortable to do something about it- use me, break me; waste me on You, Lord!!!...Lord, I am weak, so weak. I fail You, others, and myself. I break promises. I just am no perfect…far from it, but Lord, I want You, and I want to be available for You.
Take my life and let it beConsecrated, Lord, to Thee.Take my moments and my days,Let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them moveAt the impulse of Thy love.Take my feet and let them beSwift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice and let me singAlways, only, for my King.Take my lips and let them beFilled with messages for Thee.
Take my silver and my gold,Not a mite would I withhold.Take my intellect and useEvery power as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will and make it Thine,It shall be no longer mine. Take my heart—it is Thine own, It shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love: my Lord, I pourAt Thy feet its treasure-store.Take myself, and I will be Ever, only, all for Thee.
Frances Ridley Havergal

A Day in the Life of Dudu

2007-09-14T01:38:00.001-07:00

Hi, my name is Dudu. I hang out at this place where all these kids come and eat and play and stuff. My mum is always cooking or washing or telling some child what they don’t need to be doing. I don’t like people telling me what to do or not do. I usually roll myself on the ground when people try to tell me what to do. It’s funny to watch the expression on their faces.
This one girl in particular is hilarious. She comes here almost everyday and is always looking for me. The other day she brought me this really yummy sweet. I like sweets. Maybe this girl isn’t too bad. She likes taking pictures of me. It’s all good, makes me feel like a celebrity.:-)

That girl is back today. She didn’t bring a sweet today, but I didn’t throw a tantrum. I think I like her. We played for a while. Sometimes, she helps me line up for food. I like when she does because then I’m always first and don’t have to worry about the bigger kids pushing me out of the line.

Ok, I need to go back to rolling in the sand. :-)

One of those days...

2007-09-10T05:52:00.000-07:00

Ever had one of those days when you are fully aware of the pain and suffering of others and how much 'greater' than yours it is,but still you just want to curl up in a little ball and have a pity party over your 'little' problems? I'm having one of those days :-(

Bad things, good things, and good people...

2007-08-21T02:23:00.000-07:00

Good and bad things happen to good and bad people, all the time. The past few weeks, even months, have come with some really great as well as not so great events. Of course, when the good things happen I happily accept them. However, when the bad things happen my response isn’t always so great.

Yesterday, I was singing “You give and take away…my heart will choose to say blessed be your name.” Two nights ago, I was reading through the book of Job. On Sunday morning my pastor’s wife read from Hebrews where it talks about fixing our eyes on Jesus (taking our eyes from the things that distract). All of these things helped me to realize that it’s all about Him- knowing Him, loving Him, becoming like Him, and finding my identity in Him. The good things that happen to me don’t make me more righteous or more likely to be blessed or loved by Him. The bad things don’t make me less righteous or less likely to be blessed or loved by Him. His finished work on the cross is what my identity is based on- I am His child and can be confident of His love and care no matter what happens!! I can choose to let Him use the various experiences in my life to draw me to Himself and make me even more aware of His life. I am not defined but what happens to me- good or bad. I am who He says I am- His beloved!!

Ok, here are some pics

2007-08-13T02:18:00.000-07:00

Me and my best friend ever! :-)

The Best Day ever...

The Best Day Ever!!

2007-08-10T02:34:00.000-07:00

I was going to write a blog just about how I love my job and then one of the coolest things happened, and now I want to write about how I love my life!! God is just so amazing, so, so, so amazing!!!!

I spent my morning preparing for 20 orphans and vulnerable children to meet their sponsors who are here on a mission’s trip from the USA. (I was doing this with my best friend ever!!). I spent the rest of the day watching as 20 children (who normally have a plate of pap and beans as their only meal everyday, walk barefoot in the freezing cold, and walk for miles to get to school everyday) ate a finger licking good KFC :-) meal, got to go into a store and pick out new clothes, and then ate ice cream and just had fun with their sponsors who have now become their friends. For all of these kids, this is definitely a day they will never forget. It’s pretty much their best day ever! Watching them have all that fun made me feel like I was having the best day ever. It made me realise just how much I love my job. I may not get paid big bucks, but I get to see big smiles on little faces- reflections of the big things God is able to do when we give ourselves to Him. It just makes life so worth living!!!! Really, it does! I love that I get to be a part of this!!

And then, this evening, I got home and found out my little brother, Francis has been accepted as a student at the Rockford Masters Commission- an intense, absolutely amazing discipleship program in Rockford, Illinois!! I spent two years there and God pretty much messed me up…for good! I love my younger siblings( a lot of the time I feel like their my children :-) ), and I know the greatest thing I can do for them is encourage them to know and love God. A few months back I felt God was telling me to ask Francis to apply to Rockford Master’s Commission. I hesitated and then finally suggested it to him. Now, a few months later, he is actually going there. I know God will just blow Him away! It excites me to think of all that God will do in Him and even through Him!!! I mean I am so freaking excited!!! This is definitely one of my best days ever!!!!

I love you, Jesus!!! You are the best ever!!!

It's not letting me post pics for some odd reason :-( I guess I'll try again later...

Like a child

2007-08-02T06:13:00.000-07:00

Unless you become like a little child…

Remember when you were 7, 6, 5 years old? I do. It was definitely a happy time for me. I have come to learn that things weren’t as perfect as I though they were, but, at the time, I wasn’t concerned about it. I would wake up in the morning excited to face another day, ready to receive whatever mommy and daddy had planned for me. Maybe that’s part of what Jesus meant when He said we should become like a child… When I was a child, I worried about nothing! And the only reason was because I had complete confidence in my parents. I trusted them with every part of my life and living was so much easier. Of course, as I have grown up, I realize that they are just imperfect humans like me capable of mistakes and failure, but God, my Heavenly Father, is not! He is perfect and He is not capable of mistake or failure. I can have complete confidence in Him… make me like a child again…

He is good!!!

2007-07-31T05:20:00.000-07:00

This is how I’ve been feeling for a long time:

Daddy said it would be ok
And I believed him, but it was all just talk
Mother tried her very best
O, I know that, but it was not enough

And here I am now
Staring at these broken pieces

Just let me cry for my broken dreams
For the things that will never be
Let me mourn cause it hurts inside
Let me know its ok to cry

After being hurt long enough, a lot of us put up some kind of defence in order to protect our fragile hearts. Without realising it, I put up my own defence- a mindset: set your expectations low and then you won’t be disappointed (even or especially with God). What a horrible, horrible lie!!! Thank God, He is showing me that in spite of all the crap that goes on in the world, in spite of the pain and hurt we have all experienced, and the, at times, seeming victory of evil over good, He is God, our God and He is good. He is able to do infinitely beyond our wildest dreams or imaginations. We can expect great, great things of Him, and He will surpass those expectations!!! I am saying this to myself right now cause I need it; I need to replace my lies with His truth!!! My God, my Heavenly Father, My Friend, the Lover of my Soul is GOOD!!!!

Psalm 145

A psalm of praise. Of David.

I will exalt you, my God the King;
I will praise your name for ever and ever.

Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and ever.

Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can fathom.

One generation will commend your works to another;
they will tell of your mighty acts.

They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and I will meditate on your wonderful works. ^[b]

They will tell of the power of your awesome works,
and I will proclaim your great deeds.

They will celebrate your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and rich in love.

The LORD is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.

All you have made will praise you, O LORD;
your saints will extol you.

They will tell of the glory of your kingdom
and speak of your might,

so that all men may know of your mighty acts
and the glorious splendour of your kingdom.

Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.
The LORD is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made.

The LORD upholds all those who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and loving toward all he has made.

The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.

The LORD watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.

My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever.

Therapy?

2007-07-25T05:57:00.000-07:00

I'm really emotional right now and the one thing I can think of doing that isn't self-destructive is to blog. :-) I can't really share all the reasons why I feel this way, which kind of takes way from the therapeutic effect this could have. :-( I guess I could write about things that make me happy. Hmmm, let's see... my friends make me happy- sitting on the couch for hours watching TV, talking about all kinds of stuff, crying, laughing...awww my mum just walked into the office and made me feel like a little girl again. She just wanted to see me, she missed me. That made me feel really, really good. I think that as much as try to be independent and in control, my favorite place is on my mum's lap- safe, content( too bad I can't really fit on her lap anymore :-) ), but I can fit on my Heavenly Father's lap no matter how big I get( I'm almost in my late twenties ;-)), and that's what I'm going to do now- sit in His lap- restful, content, safe...Psalm 63
... my little sister, Tamara, baked me a cake for my birthday!! She's the best!!!

At least I'm not yet in my late 20s ;-)

2007-07-24T02:52:00.000-07:00

So I am officially one year way from being in my mid-twenties!!! Seriously, I am so old! :-) I like to look back, you know, reflect on the past, what I’ve learned, etc. I have learned a lot and I have so much to be thankful for like a job that I love (except for profile nightmares ;-)) , a family that isn’t perfect( whose is?), but loves me the best way they know how, and friends that I wouldn’t trade for anything!!!

As I was reading through my journal, I was made even more aware of the many blessings my Heavenly Father has given me. There is one thing, however, that was consistent throughout: God loves me with a redeeming, freeing, and unfailing love, and is always pursuing me!!! Return to me, for I have redeemed you." Isaiah 44:22 I am in awe of this God that not only cleanses me from my sin over and over, but lovingly and passionately draws me to Himself!

I can't spell hte...teh...the :-)

2007-07-17T03:34:00.000-07:00

I put on my headphones, my music on the highest volume and listened to the song, " How Great is Our God" on the Hillsong London album, Jesus Is. I was in the office so I couldn't really sing out loud and express myself the way I wanted, but I was so overcome by the awesomeness of God, I had to pause and just bow my head in worship. As I listened to the many voices singing, I pictured us all in heaven singing in worship to our great God!!!!

Our God is great...He is a big God- bigger than every obstacle, trial, test,etc. He is greater than the things that have tried to keep me captive for so long. I've been going through the Bible Study, Breaking Free. The lesson we just got done with was talking about bringing down the storongholds-Satan's lies, and putting up the truth of God. And the truth is that God is great- He is above it all- the pain, the questions, the things that try to keep us captive. What a comforting, liberating truth!!!

Sigh...

2007-07-16T04:43:00.000-07:00

“Your eyes are full- full of the future of us…You …

Sing me to sleep, talk down my walls, look through my window’s eyes.

I pray you could be the thief I give the key to…you’re breaking into my heart, and I’m letting you! “Brooke Fraser

Pottery class...

2007-07-10T01:24:00.001-07:00

" And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make...can I not do with you as this potter, says the Lord. Look as the clay is in the potter's hand so are you in My hand..." Jeremiah 17:4,6

He breaks the clay, smooshes it, and does all kinds of uncomfortable things to it, but the clay, even when marred, is ALWAYS IN HIS HANDS!!!!

"Crap is a relative term." Greg House

2007-07-06T05:21:00.000-07:00

What makes the difference between having a good attitude or a bad attitude? No, it’s not ice cream, whether or not your friends/family are just being mean jerks, lack of sleep, a date with Wentworth Miller, or shopping. :-) And it’s not even PMS!!! Of course those things affect us initially. They definitely affect me more than I’d like. But after that initial moment of frustration, anger, pain, or whatever, we have a choice to make. Some of us don’t even realise that we have a choice, others of us make the wrong choice, and sometimes we make the right one.

What is the choice? I guess it could be put in a few different ways, but I like to think of it as a choice between the big picture and the small one. When we choose the small picture, we find ourselves at the centre. The main point is what was done to me, how I felt, what I didn’t get. I think we have all found that this only leads to more frustration and eventually some kind of sin, then regret etc. The big picture has Christ as the centre. The main point is what is Christ’s will for me here? How best can I please him? How can I show His love in this situation? This leads to peace because really, it’s neither about me nor up to me. It’s His burden to carry, His problem to solve. Mine is to surrender.

I have to quickly say that I consider myself among the worst when it comes to choosing the small picture. It’s like a bat habit, but I’m on my way to breaking it, praise Jesus :-).

Only 3 more episodes of Prison Break :-(

2007-07-03T01:14:00.000-07:00

“Nothing is more blessed than to be nothing, so that God may be all…This is the true self-denial to which our Saviour calls us: the acknowledgment that self has nothing good in it except as an empty vessel that God must fill, and also that its claim to be or do anything may not for a moment be allowed. It is in this, above and before everything, that the conformity to Jesus consists. It is the being and doing nothing by ourselves so that God may be all.” Humility, Andrew Murray

I have earned myself the bad reputation of reading several books at one time and taking quite a while to finish them.:-) I’m on a mission to rid myself of that reputation so last night I grabbed the book, Humility by Andrew Murray that I had borrowed from my friend Becca. As I read, I started to cry. I was majorly convicted!! “All wretchedness in this world has its origin in what this cursed, hellish pride- either our own, or that of others- has brought us.” I’ve heard before that pride is the root of many sins. Last night I was convicted of the pride in my own heart, not condemned, convicted. I pretty much cried through the two chapters I read as I realised how my pride keeps me from walking in forgiveness. Yes, people have hurt me, and God cares greatly about my pain, but my forgiving them has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the choice between pride and humility. I would like to type the whole two chapters, but that might be a little time consuming and long. J I have been on this journey of forgiveness, frantically searching for answers on how to ‘successfully forgive’. I can’t forgive, not in myself. There is nothing in me of myself that can. I must humble myself, put aside all bitterness, pain, and even my own strength and let God be all- all of which I need His strength to do anyway- and then let Him live, love, and forgive through me.

“Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Who …made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant… He humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him.” Philippians 2:5-9

“He considered Himself to be the servant of God for the men whom God made and loved. As a natural consequence, He considered Himself to be the servant of men, so that through Him the Father might do His work of love. He never for a moment thought of seeking His own honour or asserting His power to vindicate Himself. His whole spirit was that of a life yielded to God so that God might work in it…. Our place is to yield to him (God) in perfect resignation and dependence in full consent to be and do nothing of ourselves.”

I just want You...

2007-06-19T01:09:00.000-07:00

My heart burns for You... I’ve heard that You, on purpose, put this hunger in me, this insatiable thirst that only You can fill. You put it in me so that I would seek You. I haven’t always sought You to fill it. I’ve gone after other things- things that seemed easier, closer. Being the All-wise God that You are, You made sure that I would not be satisfied until I came to You. You invite me to come. You wait for me to realise just how much You love me. Yes, my heart burns for You, You are my obsession, even when I don’t realise it. But, even greater than that, Your heart burns for me. You want me!! Sometimes, too often, I feel unwanted, unloved, and what sucks is I think the reason I am not wanted or loved is because I am not good enough in one way or another. Every time that I don’t receive the love I expect I blame myself, I put myself down. You would think I would know better, really. And, actually, I do know better. But there is a great chasm between just knowing and practicing what you know. It’s hard to break a bad habit. It’s freaking hard to love someone you’ve trained yourself to hate. It’s not easy to just change mindsets you’ve had for forever. But then nothing is too hard for You. You can do it. Will you, please, do it for me, do it in me…my heart burns for You